


keep me close in memory

by paralysisoftheheart



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Angst, Everyone deserves better, F/F, F/M, Happy ending is assured, Military, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, because i am not a cis white man, everyone gets their happy ending, named jason, no lesbian death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-05-27 19:05:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 26,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6296200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paralysisoftheheart/pseuds/paralysisoftheheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story where Lexa went missing while in service and came home to the love of her life being engaged to someone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. eternity is so beautifully cold

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really fucking bad at summary, trust me that's what my lecturer told me and i'm a writing major. also, my english is eh, but this idea won't stop bothering me and i need to write for fun again.

She walked for what seemed like hours with the sun right above her head. She put on her sunglass that was on her head before, wiping sweats on her forehead with the back of her hand. Her throat is dry which is funny because she is in the desert. She can see some of her troops further in front. 

“Sergeant Woods” she turned her head back. She lowered herself when she noticed that her troop is kneeling and shaking. 

“Brown?” She walked closer and kneelt down. “Brown? Can you hear me?” The man nodded and looked up to her, his veins popping out of his forehead. 

“Brown, are you okay?” 

“Th—this to my wife an—and m—my boy.” He handed her a small box wrapped with brown wrinkled paper. He gave a small smile.

“Brown?” 

He fell down and she noticed the blood on his left hand. She turned him around and clenched her jaw when she saw the blood coming out of his left chest and closed her eyes. “Thank you for your service, Tyler Brown.” Before she gets to stand up she felt a sharp pain on her body and looked down to her own bleeding body.

She remembered seeing three men with a gun pointing at her before falling down on her back, eyes straight to the sun. She remembered how the color yellow reminds her of Clarke’s hair and she heard someone calling her name before she closed her eyes.


	2. ...and counting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by the song '...and counting' by lights.

Clarke closes the door behind her, throwing her set of keys in the bowl. She walks to the living room, looking around for her mother when she hears the sobbing. She notices her mother sitting on the couch, crying. Confused, Clarke sits down next to her mother. 

“What happened? Mom?” Her mother looks up at her and her eyes and nose are red. 

“Where were you? Why didn’t you pick up?” 

“I—I was at school. I had an exam, I turned off my phone.” She has no reasons to turn it back on seeing that her girlfriend is not around, she is thousand miles away and it’s not Friday so chances are Lexa will not be calling her today. Point is, she has no reasons to check her phone because it doesn’t matter who’s calling her. 

“Are you okay, mom? Why aren’t you at the hospital?” Abby shakes her head and pulls Clarke into an embrace, crying harder than before. Clarke can feel her heart beating faster and she clenches her jaw. “Mom, what is it?” She whispers. 

Abby pulls out and strokes her daughter’s cheek.

“Mom—“

“She’s gone.” 

For some reasons Clarke thinks she can hear the clock ticking, the car driving outside, the birds chirping and her heart beating.

“Clarke, she’s gone.”

“What?”

“She’s gone.” Clarke opens her mouth trying to let out any words. 

“Clar—“

“Who’s gone? Your patient? Is it the one with the leauk—“

“Lexa. She’s gone. Lexa’s gone.”

Clarke stands up and takes off her jacket, noticing how hot it is. Gosh, did her mother turn on the heater on high again and forgot to turn it off?

“Don’t joke about things like that. It’s not funny.”

“She’s gone, Clarke. She—“

“No!” Clarke yells, “She is not! She’s coming back in 40—38 days!” She just read her letter two days ago. She was coming home from hanging out with Octavia and Raven when she saw her name on the letter with the military stamp. She didn’t waste any time but ran to her room and read the letter. 

_My dearest Clarke,_

_Are you eating well or are you still eating take outs? I know I told you your cooking is bad but you did improve so please cook more so I can have my first meal back home to your cooking. As of right now, a guy is playing ‘stop crying your heart out’ by oasis on repeat and talking about the butterfly effect and how he missed movies. I love this song but I’m about to go insane if I hear Liam and Noel again. Tyler had a little boy. His wife gave birth a week ago to a boy named Tommy. He’s a beautiful boy. I want our own._

_I just came back from teaching the kids English. It was quite hot today so I had my shirt on and the kids noticed my tattoos. One of them told me her artistic sister would enjoy seeing my tattoos because she’s into art. Her name is Noura and the sister is Mia. Mia is 7 and she’s precious. Don’t tell the other kids but I think I like her the most. She’s just so smart. They all are. These are the kids our country are so afraid of, these kids who played soccer and fell asleep while studying. The more I’m here the more I think of who I’m really protecting. I wish you could’ve met Mia, you’d like her and her sister too. You guys could bond over art._

_How was school? You’re still struggling with art history? Maybe we can go to the library to study art history together when I’m back. Maybe that way you’ll find it easier to focus knowing how easy it is for you to get bored. I’ll make sure you go home with some facts about Monet or so. We can make it a weekly date. That should be fun, don’t you think? We can have this date instead of brunch with Linc and Tavia. They’re always late anyways. Lincoln is fine, by the way. As of right now, he is also writing a letter to Tavia. Maybe the letters will arrive at the same time, which would be amazing. How’s Abby? Raven? Bell? How’s everyone doing? Tell them I said hi._

_I miss you. I miss you every day. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your smile, hear your laugh and wake up next to you. You are so far away from me but when I fall asleep you are next to me, even when your body is not here. I miss every single thing about you. I miss your kiss, god how much I miss them. I can’t wait to taste your lips again. I am never letting go and you will not stop me! 40 days, my ciel. 40 days until I see you and until we get to be clexa again and we get to do everything and nothing together again.  
40 days and counting, my sky. I love you so very much and I’ll be back soon. Wait for me!_

_Until we meet again,  
Lexa. _

“She said hi to you, mom! I told you this. What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“She’s been missing for a week and they can’t find her, Clarke. She’s not coming back.” Abby walks closer to Clarke, trying to hold her daughter. “She’s gone, Clarke. I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry.” 

“Fuck off, mom! This is sick! I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to fucking—“ Clarke pushes her hair back and grips them, “joke about this. You are fuc—“ Abby notices the tears running down her daughter’s cheek and she touches her shoulder.

“No!” Clarke pushes her and picks up the magazines, the vase, the keys on the table and throws them down the floor. “No!” Abby takes out an antipsychotic she has been holding for hours knowing this is how her daughter will react, and shot Clarke. She lets Clarke body goes limp and slowly pulls her down the couch. She whispers and kisses her daughter’s head. 

“No…”

“I am so sorry, Clarke. I’m so sorry.” Abby repeats the same word over and over again for what seems like hours until Clarke falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe leave some comments to let me know how i'm going? that'd be nice. drop by any suggestions or if you just want to talk, here's my tumblr (yes, shamless promo); lexaismyreason.tumblr.com 
> 
> hope you guys enjoy this chapter and have a wonderful day. i know i will cause this semester is over.


	3. all your love is all i've ever know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go listen to Heart Like Yours by Willamette Stone. It's pretty. Sorry for the late update, I'm having my finals and writing for fun is not something I should do but I'm over reading about performing arts around the world so there you go.

Lincoln is back, he is in quite a bad shape as he is in a wheelchair but he’s here, physically. Clarke watches as Octavia runs toward the man she’s been waiting for. Clarke watches her leaning down to hug him. Clarke watches as she kisses him. Clarke watches her wiping the invisible dust on his blue dress while he wipes the very visible tears on her face. Abby rubs her back and Clarke looks away from the couple, switching her gaze to three coffins being carried down the plane.

 _‘God, please don’t. Please don’t let it be her.’_ She prays with her eyes closed.

“Clarke.” Abby calls. Clarke shakes her head, refusing to open her eyes. Abby sighs and holds her daughter tighter.

“Miss Griffin.” She opens her eyes. A tall, dark-skinned man stands in front of her with his hat off. She failed to notice his hand so Abby shakes his hand. Lincoln wheels towards them with Octavia on his lap. He clenches his jaw knowing what’s about to come. Octavia stands up next to Clarke, holding her hand.

“I’m Master Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Hall. I’ve heard a lot about you from Staff Sergeant Woods.” Clarke tightens the grip on her hand that Octavia’s holding.

“Is any of that, her?” Clarke asks, nodding towards the three coffins. Thomas Hall turns his head and back at her, shaking his head.

“No but—“

“Then she is alive. Where is she then? Is this her trick? Or is this her silly way of telling me that she wanted to stay for a little longer?” The marine clenches his jaw, putting on his hat.

“We’ve tried our best to find her. After hundreds hours of searching, we failed to find any trace of her. I’m very sorry, Miss Griffin,“

“Why isn’t anyone grieving on that coffin?”

“Clarke, Lexa told me once that if anything happened to her, no matter what, she wants a service.” Lincoln speaks up. “She wants to be next to her parents.”

“Is she in there?”

Lincoln sighs and shakes his head.

“If her body is not there then a service isn’t necessary. Don’t make me lose control.”

“Clarke baby,”

“Fuck mom! No! She is still alive, I can feel it. I know she’s alive. I—I mean that’s possible right? People went missing, especially in the military. Right?”

Thomas Halls hesitates but nods his head.

“Then we’ll wait. She’ll be back. She promised. She will be back, mom. She will.”

“Clarke, maybe we—“

“No, O! Stop convincing me that she is fucking dead when she’s not. Unless I see her fucking body in there, nobody is assuming anything.”

“They never said that she’s dead, Clarke. She’s MIA, it happens, yes but we shouldn’t wait.”

“No. I waited for her for months; I’ll wait for her to come back. No service whatsoever. She is alive and well. So stop telling me to accept her death and let me wait. Call me crazy or fucked up but let me have that. At least. Let me wait for the love of my life to come home.”

Clarke turns around and runs out.

* * *

It’s been 3 months since she has gotten the news. She called them every week asking for any updates and she’s tired of hearing the word negatives. She rereads the letters Lexa sent every night, sometimes with Octavia, sometimes with Raven when she’s home, but usually alone. Lincoln accompanies her but he gave up after two months. He stopped trying to convince her to accept Lexa’s death but he also stopped trying all together to help her heal because he himself is hurting over it.

_My dearest Clarke,_

_I can’t tell you exactly where I am but I can tell you that the sky is beautiful. It’s the only thing I can see with my eyes that reminds me of home. Right now the cloud has the shape of a sheep. I miss our nights where we don’t have enough money for a fancy date so we ended up eating burgers on your mom’s roof. Sometimes I wonder why you’re with me when I can’t afford anything but thank you for staying.  How could I live before? God, you’re truly one of the things that make sense in my life. You’re one of the only things that make me want to come home instead._

_Lincoln told some of the guys that our girlfriends are best friends so they asked me for your pictures because they claimed that it’s not fair that they’ve shown theirs. I’m not being biased but I think you’re the prettiest of all the girlfriends and boyfriends._

_How’s that class with that sexy devil going? She’s still mean? Still giving you hard time? I hope not or I have to talk to her in private. Is Raven home yet? That girl has got to stop working so hard. She’s already rich._

_Things have been quite tough around here. It’s nothing major but it’s been too long. I just saw an old lady rushed to a hospital and I felt disgusted. I just don’t know how people stay sane around here. We’re short on medical help but we’re fine. We can handle it. I remember some things Abby taught me._

_I miss you as always. I can’t wait to see you. Wait for me, okay? I know it won’t be easy but I’ll make it worth it. I’ll see you soon. I love you so very much._

_Until we meet again,_

_Lexa._

Clarke throws the letter and wraps her arms around her knees. She hides her head in between her knees, trying to cover the sound of her tears knowing that her mother will probably sedate her again and she’ll be damned if she stopped thinking about her because she promised she’ll think of her every second every day. So she waits, she waits until her body couldn't take it anymore and falls asleep, not breaking her promise as she dreams of Lexa. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said I don't know anything about the military, I mean it. My source is the internet. Sorry for the short one, I'll write more soon. Thanks for reading and I hope all is well because Aden is not.
> 
> Too soon? 
> 
> Well fuck me then.


	4. black hole deeper than death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I discovered wolf alice and now i'm a mess. go listen to them. the title of this chapter is from lisbon by wolf alice. Great song.

Octavia thought of knocking but she knows Clarke would never open the door, hence why Abby gave her a duplicate key to Clarke’s room. She had to do that in order to make sure Clarke is at least taking a bite of her meal. Each one of them were given duplicate keys; Lincoln, Octavia, Indra, Jasper, Monty and Bellamy. Abby even saved one for Raven when she decided to visit them.

The brunette opens the door and slowly walks in the room. She notices that the food is untouched and sighs.

“Clarke.” She calls, walking closer to the bed. “Hey, it’s me.” She adds now kneeling beside the bed, facing her.

“I brought a movie. Wanna watch it together? Lincoln asked if he could come but I thought we could spend our days with only both of us.” She stands up, sitting at the end of the bed, putting down the movie. “Clarke.” Again, she tries.

“Hey Cl—“

“Don’t you understand that I don’t want to!” Clarke sits up, yelling. “I don’t want to watch a fucking movie with you. I—I don’t want you here! I don’t want Lincoln to come. I don’t want a fucking reminder of what could’ve happened or fucking see his face—“ she throws the movie, pillows and blankets down the floor, “—or you smiling around him. I don’t want to see that, don’t you understand!”

Octavia clenches her jaw, biting her lips trying to stop herself from tearing up.

“Clar—“ her voice cracks.

“Don’t act like none of this happened. She cares about you guys, God damn it! In every single letter, she asked about you guys and you want to act as if she’s okay and that she’s not somewhere around this world and that—,” she breathes in, “—that she is not being tortured or not starving. Who knows if she’s begging us to look for her, Octavia? And they’re not doing anything to look for her!”

“You know that’s not true. They are looking for her. The news reported about her. We’re still looking for her, Clarke. We’re not stopping. I promise you we will keep looking for her.”

“She deserves better than us trying. I’m so scared. What if—what if—“

“No, no. You said it yourself, she’s strong. She’s okay. Wherever she is, she’s okay. She’s Lexa Woods for fuck sake.” Octavia leans in and pulls Clarke closer to her. “She’s okay.” She repeats, holding the girl.

“I’m just so scared, Tavia. It’s been 5 months and there’s no trace of her. Day by day I am afraid of believing what people are saying. Even her crews. I don’t want to believe them. I don’t. I can’t lose hope.” She whispers the last part.

“They don’t know Lexa. Not even her crews know her like we do.”

“Yet you guys are acting like this never happened. That she is not missing.” Clarke pulls away and stares at Octavia. “Please stop pretending that everything is okay. She doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this and I don’t want you guys to act this way. Cry with me. Hoping is the only thing keeping me sane now.” Octavia nods and kisses her forehead.

“She sent letters right?”

Clarke nods.

“Let’s read them. Together. Is that okay with you? Would you like that?” With the girl’s approval, Octavia picks up of the letters scattered on the floor.

_My dearest Clarke,_

_Today Mia taught me how to do common core math which sounded like a science subject to me. Also, what the hell is common core? I have a 7 years old teaching me how to math! It’s bad enough when I failed to answer worksheets of long divisions. Why are these kids learning these things? What is Mia? Let’s send our kids to art class or dance class or karate class so they won’t be stressed out because I can assure you that Mia is very stressed out._

_I also met Noura again today. She asked me how you are which is funny because the last time I knew about you was in your last letter and that was 3 weeks ago. I said you’re doing okay though. I think she knows who you are to me because she saw me looking at your picture once. She didn’t say anything and she even drew you a picture. I hope when I reread this I’ll remember to put it along this letter._

_I like seeing her draw. It calms me, in a way. In this very fucked up world where I have to protect my country from these people, they reminded me every day of how wrong we are. She told me she wanted to become a nurse and I told her that you’re going to be a doctor soon. She’s impressed. They called me Leksa here, with that spelling. I’ve seen Mia writing my name like that few times. So I hope you’ll enjoy the sketch._

_How are you doing, my ciel? Are your eyes still blue as I remembered? Is your hair still messy when you wake up? God, I hope so. Did you buy that stethoscope yet? The one you wanted? I asked the doctor here, her name is Dr. Jessica Horner and she said that stethoscope is 300 dollars. I hope you can listen to the blood moving if you’re paying that much. We’ll go shopping for it soon, okay?_

_Lincoln just finished his letter to Octavia and right now he is playing football while yet another Oasis song is being played. Can’t we afford other cds?  Maybe I can call you soon or maybe we can skype. I’ll try I promise. Going to buffer a lot but better than nothing._

_Say hi to everybody for me. Tell Abby I miss her telling me to stop drinking red bulls too much. Tell everyone I’m missing them and not to worry about me and Lincoln. We’re okay; we have brave a brave team with us. Has Bell cut Benji’s hair yet? Gina has to do something about that hair! I swear I will cut that kid’s hair myself. You don’t worry about me too, I am not hurt. I will come back with maybe one scar and that’s from falling down last week. That’s about it._

_I love you so very much, my sky. I will see you soon._

_Until we meet again,_

_Lexa._

_p.s; Noura said she’s sorry it’s in black and white. I will try my best finding her coloring kits one day._

* * *

 

Octavia puts down the letter and stares at Clarke who is sound asleep. She wipes her tears and the slightly dried tears on Clarke’s cheek.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” She leans down and kisses her temples. She covers Clarke with the blanket and walks down the stairs. Abby is also asleep on the couch. She wipes the remaining tears on her face and straightens her posture, walking out the front door.

“Octavia.”

She looks up, smiling weakly.

“Hey.”

“Hey. When did you arrive?”

“About 40 minutes ago.”

“Why didn’t you come in?”

“I—I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to her or Abby. I don’t know what to feel about any of this. She must’ve hated me.”

“Raven, no. She doesn’t hate you. You were in another country working, it’s not like you could just drop your work and fly here.”

“I could though. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to face Clarke.”

“How are you doing now?”

“Still bad. I miss her. I do not believe in what people are saying. I have a strong instinct telling me that she is alive.”

Octavia nods, remembering Clarke’s words. Raven notices that Octavia is crying so she pulls her in.

“How’s Clarke?”

Octavia opens her mouth to reply only to cry harder.

“Hey, shhh. She will be okay. She’s Lexa. She’s the sergeant, she's a leader, she is strong and brave. She is okay. You know she is.” Raven says and Octavia nods, holding her tighter.

“She has to be.” Octavia replies.

_She has to._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I know you guys want to see our beloved Lexa but trust me, I'll make it worth it. Stay with me. Stay with Clarke, wait with her. Drop a comment or any suggestion. Also, talk to me; lexaismyreason.tumblr.com always looking forward for a new friend. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos. Much appreciated.


	5. it's always darkest before the dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is from coming home pt II by skylar grey. 
> 
> i just need to post this despite it being really short because it's killing me.

Abby sets down the extra plate for Raven who is now arguing with Octavia about a tv show they both watched. Monty is helping out at the kitchen while watching out over Murphy who keeps trying to steal foods. Lincoln and Bellamy have their eyes focused on the tv. 

“Hey, I’m home!” Clarke yells, closing the door behind her. 

“She’s late for her own thanksgiving dinner,” Murphy mumbles. 

“First of all, it’s my mom’s dinner and she’s right over there as you’re talking bad stuffs about her daughter,” Abby shakes her head, ignoring her daughter. “And apparently the hospital is packed during thanksgiving and you know how awful first year residents are being treated. We’re slaves. Full offense, mom.” 

“Hey! Interns had it worst. Let’s not be mean here. Go see if Octavia and Raven are still alive.”

Abby then realizes that she needs an extra hand so she calls Clarke back.

“Wait, Clarke! Can you check on the turkey?”

Clarke rolls her eyes, pulling out her ringing phone from her pocket. She frowns at the caller ID. 

“Not picking up?” asks Abby. “It’s private number. I should take this, maybe it’s the hospital. Can you ask Monty to check on the turkey? Thanks!” She turns around, walking to a quieter place. 

“Ben baby, you’re going to stain your shirt. Go watch tv with daddy and uncle Lincoln okay?” She commands the boy and presses the green button. “Hello?”

“Yes, this is Clarke Griffin,” She opens the front door and walks out. “…oh,”

Her eyes grow wider and wider as the person on the other side of the line keeps on talking. She thinks her heart is beating faster so she rubs her chest to ease it. Her hands are sweaty; she has to hold on to the doorknob to keep herself standing up. 

“Yeah—yes sir. Yes, I—I heard you.” She stutters, “Thank you. Thank you so much. Happy thanksgiving to you too,” she drops her phone and takes a deep breath. 

“Clarke?” She hears Raven calling her name. She walks back inside the house. “Abby said food’s ready. Time to eat. Come, let’s go.” Raven takes her hand but she stays put. 

“Clarke?”

“Who was it, honey?” Abby yells. 

“Clarke? Hey, you okay?” Raven asks, still holding her hand. 

“Can you stay with me? I need to tell them something. And you too.”

Despite the many questions popping inside her head, Raven didn’t ask any. She nods and walks Clarke to the dining room. Clarke looks around the table at her family, sitting down and talking to each other.

“Honey?” Abby asks, dropping the food on the table. 

“It was the marine.”

The whole table stop talking and they are all looking at Clarke. Raven grips on Clarke’s hand tighten.

“Lexa… they—they found her. She’s alive.” Clarke lets out the tears and Raven immediately pulls her into a hug, smiling widely. “They found her and she’s alive.” She repeats. 

“She’s okay? She’s really okay?” Lincoln asks, standing up. 

Clarke smiles widely, wiping her tears. 

“She’ll be back with the others in two days.”

“This is my favorite thanksgiving for sure.” Monty says. Abby walks to her daughter to give her a hug. 

“Are you okay, honey?”

“I thought they’ve given up. I’m starting to give up, for God’s sake! I’m so happy, mom. So happy. She’s—Lexa is coming back.” 

“She is. She is.” Abby wipes the tears on Clarke’s cheeks and on her own. “We’ll have thanksgiving dinner number 2 when she’s here so Raven you better stay longer!”

“Who is Lesa?” Asks Benjamin out loud, who is sitting on Bellamy’s lap. 

The table starts getting quiet again, everyone's staring at Clarke. Raven clenches her jaw and let go of her hand before walking out of the room. Feeling empty at the sudden of lost contact, Clarke looks down at her hand only to meet the shiny rock on her ring finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys are still reading. i'm not trying to be jrot, don't worry. i promise you. sorry for the late update. thank you for reading and i hope you'll have an amazing day or night. tell me what you think :)


	6. i am the light, i will guide you home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is back.
> 
> title is from a song called come home by tonight alive. amazing band, hate their new stuffs but go listen to them!

“Miss?”

Lexa snaps back to reality. A middle age lady stares at her with a confused smile. She looks around and let out heavy breath before turning back at her. The lady is still smiling so Lexa nods and smiles back. 

“I’m sorry, ma’am. Seems to be daydreaming a lot lately.” 

“Oh don’t worry about it. Are you from the military?” 

She nods, “I’m a marine.”

“How long have you been on tour?” The question makes her think. She couldn’t say she’s been on tour for almost three years. Now, that’s just ridiculous but at the same time she doesn’t feel like lying.

So instead Lexa says;  
“It seems like a lifetime.”

The lady nods and smiles brighter, “Well first of all, thank you for your service. I just took a wild guess seeing that many of your team, I assume bought bouquets from me today. You also have that look and that bag is a giveaway.” Lexa smiles and looks back at the flowers. 

“Buying for your husband, parents or kids? I could arrange a special one.” She starts showing the display bouquet and talking about them.

“How about a future wife?” She cuts her off. The lady stops talking and turns back at Lexa. The younger girl clenches her jaw looking around for other stores. _Really? Even after all these years? Still?_

“Well then I will make sure to arrange a very special one!” Lexa raises her eyebrow. “Tell me, sweetie. What’s her favorite and where do you plan to do this? Don’t do it today cause I’ve seen 3 proposals today and they’re beautiful but the look on your face tells me you’ve been thinking of doing this for a while.”

“Ever since my first day of being away but not today, she’ll probably faint and I don’t have a ring just yet.”

“Engagement is a big deal, I know you’ve been thinking about it for a while and I know she’s the one but give it a little more time. Now let’s not keep the lucky girl waiting! What’s her favorite?”

“She likes lilies, stargazer, but I think of doing something more special?”

“Leave it all to me. Now you just wait here.”

She can’t believe she’s here. The atmosphere feels slightly different as if it’s been a decade or so since she went missing. Looking around there are few other soldiers buying flowers. She doesn’t recognize any of them. They look fairly young. Some even younger than when she started. 

“Here’s your arrangement.” The lady walks closer to her, her face is gone, hiding behind the bouquet. Good lord this is going to cost her a fortune. 

“This right here is hydrangea. Giving this to someone means you are the beat of their heart. At least in some part of Asia but I like to say that because it’s romantic.” Lexa doesn’t know much about flowers but she knows that what’s in front of her right now is the most beautiful thing she has seen in a while and it smells good. Also she remembers that Clarke told her once that a bouquet wrapped with brown paper is always her favorite. So this right here is perfect.

“It’s beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like this. How much?” She kneels and search for the money somewhere in her backpack.

“We’re having special deal today for the troop and you’ve been a sweetheart. You also reminded me of my daughter. She’s in college, haven’t seen her for months so you get a more special deal.” She hands Lexa the flower and tells her the amount. Lexa feels guilty but it’s not like she has enough money to pay for the actual price. 

“Thank you so much.”

“What’s her name?”

Lexa smiles, “Clarke.” 

“Tell Clarke I said hi okay?” She pulls Lexa into a hug. “You’ve saved lives now go save hers.” Lexa pulls away and nods, walking out. She takes a deep breath, fixing some petals so the bouquet will look extra perfect. 

Her heart is beating so fast seeing all these people getting hugged, running for a hug, all the kissing and all the tears.

“Lexa Woods!” 

She recognizes that voice; it’s the same voice that annoyed Clarke and herself for so long. Lexa looks up and stops her movement, seeing all the people she hasn’t seen for over 3 years. Raven is waving her hands, shouting her name, Monty is doing the same, Murphy is holding a card that she can’t read cause Murphy has a handwriting of a child, Lincoln is holding Octavia who her back facing Lexa and Abby is already tearing up. 

Octavia turns around, whispering something to Lincoln and he takes his arm off her shoulder. Tiny bit of blond hair is seen and Lexa feels like she’s going to faint. She slowly walks towards the group, smiling at each of them but still has her focus on one girl. Clarke is standing still, her hand still holding Octavia's, her eyes teary and she's biting her bottom lip. 

"Hey you." Lexa says stopping in front of Clarke. 

Clarke says nothing; for a moment she thinks this is not real, that the girl standing in front of her right now isn’t the same girl who left 3 years ago. She just stares up at the other girl, still dumbfounded. She fantasized this moment every day, some with her running to her, some with her pulling Lexa into a rough kiss, some with her slapping the other girl for leaving, and yet she's not doing any of the things she imagined before.

Lexa slowly wrap her left arm around Clarke's waist, pulling her closer. 

“Lexa?” She whispers.

"I'm here. It's me. I'm here, Clarke." With that Clarke wraps both of her arms around Lexa's neck and let all the tears she's been holding out. She doesn't care that now Lexa's shirt is wet, she doesn't care that she's gripping her so tight that she thinks the back of Lexa's shirt is going to ripped. The only thing she cares about is that she's finally here and she still smells the same.

Lexa kisses the side of her head, "A florist said hi." Clarke laughs and holds her tighter. Lexa lifts her up and Clarke leans down for a kiss. 

“Can I kiss you?” Lexa whispers, her nose bumping the other girl’s.

“Yes, dummy.” Clarke chuckles and Lexa feels her knees getting weaken at the sound. Noticing this, Clarke pulls her in and presses their lips. 

"Okay okay, I want a hug too, Griffin. Back off.” Raven speaks up after a while, her voice slightly cracked. 

After meeting and hugging everyone and hugging them again, they finally walk to their cars. Clarke is holding the flower in one hand, the other hand holding Lexa’s. 

"Why didn't you bring home flowers!" Octavia says to Lincoln.

"I gave you a ring."

Lexa smiles and shakes her head. Raven is next to her asking her about so many things like why is her boots clean and why is she wearing a shirt instead of her marine blue dress. Lexa answers them all.

“Hey, Lex?”

“Yeah?” She shifts her gaze from Clarke to Lincoln.

“I didn’t really get time to clean up the apartment. Your room is untouched though.”

“No, she’s not staying with you guys! You are all staying at my house tonight! We’re going to have thanksgiving dinner, remember?”

“Cool, like slumber party? I’m in whenever there’s free food.” Says Murphy, opening up the trunk, “Sergeant, you will ride with the ladies because Abby’s car doesn’t smell like,” he looks around, “…pot.” 

“And sex.” Adds Monty. Murphy didn’t say anything else. 

“Abby’s car sounds delightful. Thank you very much!” Lexa replies, “Octavia?”

The girl shakes her head, “No can do, Lex. I have to make sure these fools don’t do anything to my fiancé here. It’s good to have you back.” She smiles softly to which Lexa replies with the same smile. 

“See you guys there.” Lexa steps aside, letting Clarke in first. 

“Have you eaten?” Clarke looks up from Lexa’s shoulder. She is still playing with Lexa’s fingers.

“Not really. Have you?”

“No. We can eat together when we’re home. There are leftovers, if you don’t mind that?”

"Unless it was leftovers from your cooking then I'm sure it'll be amazing." Clarke huffs and slaps Lexa's knee. 

“Of course I don’t, my sky.” Lexa giggles, kissing her head. “God, I miss you.” She whispers.

"Where's Bell and Gina? Where's Ben?" Lexa asks and Raven who was commenting about a song on the radio stops talking. 

"You okay, Raven? Come on talk more shits about that song.” Lexa giggles. Clarke stops circling her thumb on Lexa’s palm.

“I’m glad you’re back, Lex.” Raven says. 

Lexa lifts Clarke’s face to drop a quick kiss. She brushes her cheek and drop another kiss on the bridge of her nose. 

“Me too.” She replies after a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to have quite a busy week so I'm posting this so i won't be an asshole and not update this for weeks. i hope you'll have an amazing weekend. drop a comment, tell me what you think :) 
> 
> also this is the bouquet Lexa bought (just because i am obsessed with flowers);
> 
> [ the bouquet ](https://www.instagram.com/p/-I5wmmqDVd/?taken-by=mekar.my)


	7. i've been waiting here silently for too long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Open Your Eyes by School of Seven Bells. The song completely broke my heart so I decided why not break others.

She is finally home.

They are all inside, finishing their meals and having conversations as if it really was Thanksgiving. Lexa is sitting outside; the wine besides her is left untouched. She can hear their laughs inside instead of the dead silence of marines missing their family at home and she can see the cars driving pass instead of men and women holding guns walking in circle. This is home. This was her life few years ago and for a while she didn’t know if she’ll able to live this life again. 

“Lexa?” She looks at the door and smiles at the blonde. She pats her lap, inviting her. 

“Are you okay? You’re not enjoying the dinner?” Clarke asks, sitting on Lexa’s lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. 

“God, of course I enjoyed it. I’m so full. That’s more foods in one day I’ve ever seen in years.” She takes a deep breath, “it’s just… everything is so… overwhelming.”

“That you’re home?” 

She nods, “That I’m home. I thought for so many times that I was going to die every day. I never thought after so long that I will be back here, holding you in my arms, talking to them… having a family again.” 

“I was supposed to die back then, it was so horrible but for some reasons I—“ Clarke strokes her cheek, calming her down and kisses her temple. 

“We don’t have to talk about this now, Lexa. Whenever you’re ready, okay?” Lexa nods, looking back at the driveway. 

“Do I look different?” The brunette asks after moments of silence. She still has her eyes on the road.

“What makes you ask that?” Lexa shrugs, “Well, you’re thinner and your hair is longer.” Clarke answers. 

“Am I still your Lexa?” 

“You can look like 80s rock star for all I care and you’d still be my Lexa. Your eyes are still the same, your smile is still the same and you still look at me the same.”

Lexa smiles and pulls Clarke down by her chin, kissing her softly. “More.” Lexa says, lips still attached to Clarke’s.

“More?” 

“I think I look at you in a slightly different way.” To that Clarke leans back and raises her eyebrow. Lexa giggles. “I love you more and more each day and I guess not being there for years would probably change the way I look at you because now I look at you as something more than just a girlfriend, lover, partner cause I've seen what life is without you. You’re my future. There’s no future without you, Clarke. Maybe that’s why I stayed alive for so long, so I can have that future with you.”

Clarke has her mouth slightly open and she’s trying to say something, just anything but no words come out. Lexa pushes her head slowly to the crook of her neck, gently stroking the back of Clarke’s neck. “I love you so much.” Clarke whispers. Lexa kisses her head, letting her lips linger. 

“Do I look different?” Clarke asks.

“Hmmm…” 

 

“Lexa?”

“You look tired. Really tired.”

“You should see the other residents. They’re like walking dead. I’m actually kind of lucky that the chief is a friend of my mom. Sure, it’s not fair but I have to accept all the great things. Is that bad?”

“Of course not. You worked hard too. You also cut your hair which I absolutely love. You look like those sexy ladies in Housewives.” 

“Almost 3 years gone and you have a thing for older ladies now?” 

“Don’t blame me! I’m the one who will be spending the rest of my life with you so I’m very happy seeing that older you is gorgeous. I’ll be a 70 year old lady having lady boner for my wife.” 

“Idiot.”

“I’m thinking of visiting Tyler Brown’s family. Do you remember him?” The blonde nods. “Yeah, before he… passed, he gave me something to give to his family. I’m kind of late but they should have it nonetheless.”

“When are you going? I’ll check if I can ask for a leave. 

“No, don’t worry about it. I’ve asked Lincoln. Ty was his friend too.”

Clarke gives her a soft smile, looking at the window where Raven is staring at them. Lexa turns her head to where Clarke is looking and waves at the girl.

“Are you and Raven okay?”

Clarke looks surprised, “Yeah, why you ask?”

“I don’t know. She looks like she wants to punch you ever since I laid eyes on you guys at the airport. Did you guys have a fight?” Clarke turns her gaze away, shaking her head.  
“No, of course not. She’s probably just mad at something I did.” Which wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the truth either. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when Gina died. It must’ve been hard for Bellamy and Ben. Must’ve been hard for you guys too.” 

“Hey, it’s not like you went MIA on purpose. It’s hard but we’re all okay now. It’s still very painful of course but we’re doing better. Bell and Ben are better too.” 

“Are they at Gina’s hometown?” Clarke nods, “Yeah to visit her family and to visit her grave, it’s been a while since they went back.”

The door opens and Raven walks outside, clenching her jaw at them. 

“Hey Lex, Clarke. Too loud in there. Monty is about to kill Jasper I think. What are you guys talking about?” She sits at the chair next to the couple. “Can I join? And please say yes or I have to kick you both with my robot leg.” 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Nothing. We’re just done talking about Bellamy, Ben and Gina.” 

Raven stops smiling, “Oh is that it?” She looks at Clarke who looks away at the road. 

“Yeah, he’s happy now I think.” Raven adds, sipping her drink afterwards. 

“I’m glad he’s happy. He deserves that.” Lexa says and Raven huffs. “I’m going back inside, it’s so cold out here. You guys want anything?” 

“Nah, we’re coming in too.” Lexa pats Clarke’s butt and kisses her lips. “Up we go, my sky. Let’s eat more food!” Clarke stands up and walks to the door. Raven grabs her arm, “Can we talk?” Lexa frowns and looks at Clarke. 

“I’ll see you inside.” Clarke kisses her cheek and walks to the pavement. Lexa nods and walks inside, not thinking of anything.

“You talk about him.” Raven states to which Clarke replies with a nod. “Did you tell her?” Clarke hugs herself, brushing her arms with her thumbs. 

“I’m guessing not because she still looks happy and so in love.” 

“I’m not ready just yet.”

“Yeah? I don’t think she’ll ever be ready to know that you’re engaged to someone else.” Clarke closes her eyes, biting her lips to prevent herself from breaking down.

“She just came back, Raven. What do you want me to do?”

“The longer you keep it from her, the painful it’s going to be. She’s going to be broken regardless of when you tell her. She deserves more than this. Don’t you think so?” 

“Of course I do! It’s not like I ask for this, okay? I would never want to hurt her but… I don’t want to hurt—“

“Whatever, Clarke. You’re my friend and I love you but so is she. She loves you enough to let you go—“

“Please don’t say that. I’ll tell her. I promise. Just give me time.”

Raven nods and walks closer to Clarke. She hesitantly wraps her arm around her but the moment her hand is on Clarke’s shoulder, she pulls her in for a hug.   
“It’s going to be okay. She’ll understand.” 

She says not believing her own words and hearing that Clarke is crying, she knows the other girl doesn’t believe in what she said either.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late update. Not really happy with the chapter but I have to distract myself cause I kind of got outed in uni but all is well. I'm better now. Life is more than just listening to what people think of you. Thank you for reading, I appreciate every one of you guys. Thank you for the kudos and comments too. Drop any comments, I'm happy to hear any reviews, really. I hope you guys have will have an amazing week.


	8. what we have is worth first place in gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from smash into you by beyonce although I preferred jon mclaughlin's version (or maybe the edited duet on youtube).

The hospital is packed in. None like the one she’s seen on TV, of course but it was pretty chaotic. There are people talking loudly on the phone to who Lexa guess are the family members and there are kids on the floor playing their toys. Lexa cringes at the view. 

“Sorry!” A nurse says after running into her and dropping her files. Lexa was going to help but she picked it up and continued running. 

“Maybe this is a warzone.” Lexa mumbles, walking to the counter. “Hey, I’m looking for Dr. Clarke Griffin?” She asks the tired looking girl.

“Dr. Griffin? Let me check. I think she’s in surgery. She on Dr. Cho’s service and knowing her, she will be very busy today.”

“Oh, how long have she’s been in surgery?” 

“For almost two hours now. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“No, I just want to ask her out for a lunch.” 

“I can tell her you came by?”

“It’s fine. I’ll wait. I don’t have anything to do, anyways.”

The girl gives her a small smile and nods. “Wait!” The girl says, stopping Lexa’s movement. 

Lexa turns back around, “Yeah?” 

“Nothing it’s just that I’ve never seen you around here and I think I’ve met all of Dr. Griffin’s family and friends. They came by sometimes, especially Raven.” With that last word, the girl blushes a little which confuses Lexa for a moment.

“Oh, I’m in the marine. I just came back from service.” 

“Marine?” Lexa nods, “Are you Lexa?”

Lexa raises her eyebrows. Clarke talks to these people about her? She wonders who else and what else they know about her. 

“Sorry if I crossed the line! I didn’t mean to. Please have a sit.” 

“No no!” Lexa quickly responses. “You’re not crossing any line. Yes, I’m Lexa. Lexa Woods, her girlfriend. I didn’t know Clarke talks about me because she’s fairly new here right? So yeah, I’m kind of in shock.” The girl’s expression drop a little bit. 

“I’m Andrea. I’m kind of new here too so when I first came in, she sat with me during lunch. She’s great! No other doctors really care about the girl working in front desk, you know?”

“Sounds like Clarke to me.” 

“I—I’m glad you’re back and doing well, Sergeant.” Lexa gives her a confused smile, nods and sits down waiting for Clarke. She pulls out her (new) phone Abby bought her and continues playing the game she’s been obsessing with for about two days or so. 

“Clarke!” Andrea calls out causing Lexa to almost slip the phone out of Lexa’s hand. She smiles when she sees the blonde she’s been waiting for. 

“Someone’s here to see you.” Andrea says, pointing behind Clarke. The girl turns around, mouth opens wide. Gosh, even after few days, she’s still in shock that the girl she’s been waiting for is now home. 

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

“Can I take you out on a lunch? It’s lunch break right? You have that?” 

Clarke giggles, “Of course I do, Lex. I have a patient coming though so we can’t go very far.” 

“I don’t know I mean Raven said the food here’s pretty good. It’s not romantic or what I have in mind but it’ll do. I’m going to meet Ty’s family in few hours so just thought I’ll spend the day with you. Is that okay? I could totally come bac—“

“No! Of course it’s okay. I’ll just have to page my doctor, in case she’ll be looking for me, okay? Be right back.” She kisses Lexa’s cheek and turns back around at Andrea who has been staring at them. Lexa looks around as the two converses. 

“Dr. Klark!” A little girl runs to Clarke and wraps her tiny arms around Lexa’s thighs. Clarke immediately kneels down and hugs her. 

“Hello, Emily! I didn’t know you’re coming today. Are you feeling good?” Clarke slightly moves her gaze to the older woman standing right behind the girl. The woman nods and Clarke smiles, looking back at Emily. The little girl nods, smiling widely. 

“Here’s good?” Clarke points at her tummy. 

“Yes!” 

“And here?” She points at her throat and Emily nods again while looking around. “Where’s Benji?” 

Lexa lifts her eyebrow, smiling down at Emily. 

“Oh, he’s not here today. He’s with his daddy for Thanksgiving.” Clarke replies and the smile on Emily’s face faded. “But thanksgiving’s over.” 

“Sure is, Em but he’s just going to see his cousins. He’ll be back soon. I promise to bring him so you guys can play again, okay?” Clarke brushes Emily’s cheek.

“Thank you! Come, ma. Maybe Jasmine is here!” She takes her mother’s hand. 

Clarke stands up, “There’s no appointment today, right? I would’ve known.” Clarke asks the older woman who shakes her head.

“We’re actually just around the block and this girl here begged to meet her friends. I better go now, you know how impatient she is.” She nodded once at Clarke and then Lexa before following her daughter.

“Someone’s popular.” Lexa teases Clarke, offering her hand. 

Clarke rolls her eyes and slips her fingers between Lexa’s. They walk to the cafeteria and Lexa thank every God there is for it to be basically empty. She knows the girl’s time is limited. 

“Go take a seat. I’ll bring you my favorite.” 

“But I want to pay.” 

“You’re trying to say this is a date and you’re buying me foods from hospital cafeteria?”

“No! I just want to—“ Clarke giggles, “Next threat is yours. Make it special.” Clarke points at her with slightly serious face. Few minutes after Clarke put down the tray of two sandwiches and one cup of big sized iced coffee. 

“Don’t worry, sergeant. This is a healthy sandwich!” Clarke pecks Lexa’s lips and sits down in front of her. 

“Who’s that little girl?” Lexa asks as Clarke unwraps Lexa’s sandwich. 

“Hm? Oh that’s Emily. She’s one of my patients. Cancer.” Lexa opens her mouth as if to say something but decided against it so she nods, unwrapping Clarke’s sandwich. Clarke smiles and thanked her before taking the sandwich.

“She knows Benji?” 

Clarke‘s smile turns flat. 

“Ye—yeah. I’ve brought him here couple of times because Bell was busy with work. Eat up..”

“You’re really close to him.”

“It’s not like he has a mother anymore, Lex.”

“That’s not what I mean. I—it’s just that I like that you guys are taking care of him. I’m glad you’re there for him. No kids deserve that.” Clarke looks down and licks her lips. 

“You’ll be a great mother, Clarke. I can’t wait to see our own running around the hospital visiting their mom.” 

And just like that Clarke loses her appetite. 

* * *

 

The ride to Tyler’s house is anything but quiet. Lexa and Lincoln share stories about how good of a person Ty was and some stories he shared with them. Lincoln is no longer a marine, quitting right after Lexa went missing because of the empty feeling he had and Octavia was really worried. It was hard for him and he had hard time making that decision but they surprisingly approved his decision to leave. Of course Lexa understands too, she hasn’t told anyone yet but she’s thinking of doing the same.

Arriving at his town, they both suddenly stop talking. The atmosphere feels different, it’s colder and somehow Lexa has this heavy feeling in her heart. Lincoln feels like throwing up. Lexa has her reasons to not visit his family but Lincoln had two years. Sensing that something’s wrong, Lexa takes Lincoln’s hand and brushes the back of his hand. Lincoln stops the engine and looks down at Lexa, smiling weakly. 

“It’s okay. We can do this.” Lexa says and Lincoln nods.

“Do you have all the stuffs?” Asks Lincoln, “Yeah. All in one bag. Come on.” 

They walk together to the navy blue colored house. Lexa notices that the mailbox has a green handprint of a toddler and she takes a deep breath, following Lincoln. A tanned lady opens the door with a warm smile and Lexa tries not to pull her for a hug. She looks slightly different from the pictures Ty had shown her before.

“Hi, what can I help you two with?” She asks.

“Hi, Lily.” Lily furrows her brows, “I’m Lexa. Lexa Woods.” Her eyes widen and she steps aside to let them in. 

“Please, have a seat.”

“Thank you. This is Lincoln. He’s—“

Lily nods, “Ty mentioned you too. He said you taught him how to play football. He was never really into sport even for a big guy.” She giggles and both Lexa and Lincoln nod at that. “It must’ve been hours of car ride. I’ll get you guys something to drink.” Before they can say anything, Lily walks to the kitchen leaving them. 

Lincoln points at a picture of Tyler in his uniform on the wall. Lexa smiles, remembering all the moments they shared together.

“He talked about you guys a lot, especially you.” She set down the tray and smiles at Lexa. “I was quite jealous at first until he told me you have a girl back home too.” Lexa notices that Lily’s blushing and smiles. 

“You’re back.” Lily says out of nowhere as Lexa sips her drink. “God! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude but they said—“ 

“Yeah, I’m back. Shocked me too, really.” Lexa cuts her off. 

“Thank you so much for everything you guys have done for Ty. He was really glad to have you guys in his life.”

“Likewise, Lily. Never a dull moment with Ty. He knew how to cheer people up.” 

“Yup, one time I found out my letters weren’t being sent to my fiancée and he wore a net to act as if he was her.” Lincoln shakes her head as he tells the story.  
“I’m sorry that I didn’t come earlier to visit. It’s just… hard.”

“I understand completely. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Lexa sends Lincoln the famous ‘I told you’ face. She takes out a tiny envelope from her back and hands it to Lily. 

“He handed that to me before…” Lily nods her head in understanding, “He bought that and was planning to buy more charm but yeah. I’m sorry it’s two and a half years late.”  
Lily focuses on the silver bracelet and wooden bracelet both with one charm; a heart. She touches the wooden bracelet and thinks of her sleeping son upstairs and how it’ll perfectly fit his hand now. She feels her tears coming and takes a deep breath. 

“I uh bought Tommy,” She rummages through her back, “this.” She takes out a giraffe soft toy with marine uniform on, “It reminded me of Ty somehow cause he’s tall and lanky,” and Lily couldn’t stop the tears. Lexa takes her hand and strokes her fingers softly. 

“He didn’t get to hold him and Tommy will never know how much his father loves him.” 

“Trust me, he will.” Lincoln speaks up and his voice cracking a little bit, “my dad was on tour when I was just a few months old and he died in service but I can assure you that I know he loves me very much despite me not remembering he telling me that.”

“You guys are such great friends to him. He was so lucky to have you guys.” She wipes her tears, taking the soft toy and smiling at the name attached to the uniform.  
“He loves you so much, Lily. He showed me how great love is and he made me believe that love is real. He even helped me out with some of the words to say to my girlfriend.”  
Lily giggles remembering how romantic her husband was. 

“Are you guys married?” 

“Soon.” Lincoln answers, “Hopefully not too soon. She didn’t say anything but the ring’s on her finger.” He adds.

“And what about you?” Lily turns to Lexa. 

“Soon.” She answers and Lincoln’s smile drop. “Very soon. I can’t wait to call her my fiancée. I can’t wait to call her my wife.” The tall guy stands up, asking to use the bathroom. 

“Do you have a ring yet?” 

Lexa shakes her head, “No, not yet. I don’t know what kind she’d like. She’s a simple girl but I don’t want her to think our love was anything but ordinary.”

“You can give her an action figured ring and I’m sure she’ll say yes. It’s not about the ring. It was never about the ring.” She looks down her hand, playing with the ring on her finger.

“Go buy her that ring. You’ll know which one, it’ll come to you. Ask Lincoln to help! He’s been there. Buy her that ring and get down on your knee. Life is too short and it’s moving too fast. You don’t know when someone’s no longer yours. You don’t know when you’ll wake up to them not being there anymore.”

Lexa smiles at her. She’s thinking of Clarke now. She’s thinking of how she’s going to ask her and where it’ll be. Maybe at Abby’s house? How will she get rid of the others? There are always people in that house. She for sure will not do it in public. Maybe she can—her thoughts are being disturbed by a phone call. 

“Sorry! I should pick that up.” Lily stands up and walks to where her cellphone is. Lincoln comes back with his face slightly wet. 

“What the hell did you do in there?”

“I’m kind of sleepy, needed to freshen up a bit.” He answers, avoiding her gaze. Lily comes back with a guilty face. 

“Is everything alright?” Lexa stands up. 

“No, yes. I mean yeah everything is fine but that’s my workplace. Someone couldn’t come in so I have to take their shift.” 

“Oh, that’s fine. We should go anyways. I don’t really like driving late at night.” Lincoln says. 

“I’m so sorry I—“

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Thank you for the drinks and thank you for the talk.” Lexa leans in for a hug. “You can do it. She’ll say yes!” Lily whispers in her ear, brushing Lexa’s back before pulling out to hug Lincoln. 

“Thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate this. I really do.” 

“Say hi to Tommy for us.” 

“Thank you for the gift too.”

“Not a problem at all.”

“Please come visit again. Maybe next time Tommy will get to meet you guys.” 

“I sure hope so.” 

The hugged for one last time and then walk to the car. Lexa rubs her eyes with the palm of her hands when she gets to her seat.

“You okay, Lex?” 

“Yeah. I just… his family was his everything. It’s not fair.” 

Lincoln thinks of some words to say to make her feel better. He stares at the house and can see Lily through the window picking up her son and calming him down. He grips the steering wheel and turns his gaze to the road. 

“No, it’s not fair.” He says and Lexa nods. 

* * *

 

Stopping for gas is never fun because even if he didn’t feel like peeing, seeing a toilet will make him want to pee. Lexa rolls her eyes noticing that Lincoln is eyeing the toilet with a grumpy face. 

“Just go.”

“I just did! This is tiring.”

“Go, Linc. Save your bladder. I don’t want your car to reek with pee. I’ll drive.” And off he runs to the toilet. 

Lexa chuckles and adjusts the seat. She smiles at the picture of Lincoln and Octavia on the visor. That boy looks tough but he’s the sappiest man Lexa has ever known. She notices that there’s a ring on Octavia’s finger and she thinks of what Lily said. 

“Sorry. The toilet smells like pot a little bit. You think that old guy smoked?” Lincoln says when he gets inside the car.

“Do you think there’s any jewelry store close by?” 

“What? We’re in the middle of nowhere, Lex.”

“Then fasten your seatbelt, Wilde. We’re going on adventure to find a ring.”

“Okay why?”

“Because I’m going to marry the girl I’ve been waiting to call my wife ever since I laid my eyes on her when you forced me to send that package to Octavia’s room years ago.” Lexa starts the engine. 

“Maybe you should talk to her first?” 

“Who talks about proposing to the one they’re proposing to?”

Lincoln closes his eyes, “I didn’t—“ he looks at Lexa who is smiling as she drives away and he knew there’s nothing he can do to change her mind. Raven is not here to help him, she’s better at this. He looks out the window hiding his face as he bites his lips, not knowing what to do.

“She’ll say yes, right? Did you doubt that Octavia would say no?” 

“She has to say yes. She will, right?” She asks again after not getting the answer. She turns her head to Lincoln who has his head on resting on the side of the window with his eyes close. Lexa smiles and focuses back on the road.

“She’ll say yes.” She says one last time, smiling. 

Lincoln grips his knee, praying that no tear is coming out of his closed eyes and praying that he’ll be able to keep his mouth shut. Lexa didn’t deserve this and he wanted to tell her, just like Raven wanted to tell her from day one but Clarke deserves to explain it herself. It’s not their place but it’s killing him that his best friend is smiling thinking of the girl who is already tied to someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a mess. drop comments to let me know what you think. any comments are welcomed :) go ahead and leave ideas or if you feel like talking, just visit [ my tumblr ](https://lexaismyreason.tumblr.com)
> 
> hope you guys have an amazing week! thank you for reading.


	9. we can build this like a dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: violence, racist homophobic and transphobic slurs. (i'll put * on the parts) 
> 
> i'm sorry in advance for what you'll read. i have nothing against soldiers, they are heroes. my grandfather is one and he is someone I looked up to. in no way am i bashing the military. it's just how i imagined lexa would be in the situation. again, i'm sorry if it's sensitive.

_She woke up to the sound of a familiar voice screaming in pain. She cringed when she felt the pain on her face. She slowly opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was a gun pointed at one of her crew. The young boy closed his mouth, his whole body full of sweat and a single vein popping out of his forehead. His eyes followed the muzzle wide open._

_She tried to move but she realized that she’s stuck, her hands tied with ropes and her legs felt tired. She couldn’t move. She controlled her breathing not wanting the gunman noticing that she’s panicking. She looked around and saw few of her crews, tied up and bleeding heavily. She looked down at herself and sighed looking down her bloody bandaged leg. The girl beside her, Sarah, nodded her head despite her being heavily injured. Lexa nodded back, understanding what she meant._

_A loud smack was heard yet again and Sarah closed her eyes, letting the tears rolled down. Lexa turned to the crying boy, Adam. He’s just 21; he didn’t even want to join the marine. He thought he had no other choices. He said he belonged in a warzone as he himself is in one._

_“S—stop.” Lexa opened her mouth, only now realizing how thirsty she was. “He—he’s just a kid. Tell me what you want.” She didn’t even care that the chances of him understanding her was low. The masked gunman turned to look down on her and even though he had a bandana covering his nose and mouth, Lexa knew he was smirking._

_“Sergeant.” He said. “You finally woke up. Thought you were going to die in your sleep, maybe you are tough after all.” Lexa frowned at his accent._

_*  
“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Your hair is still perfect.” He laughed, “Why the hell were they thinking putting a woman in lead? Jesus, our country is fucked up, huh? Letting a faggot runs the damn squad. You think I wouldn't see that stupid equal tattoo on your arm? or that picture of the blonde girl you have in your pocket? Fucking disgusting.” He added. Lexa clenched her jaw, not wanting to react._

_“Our?”_

_“Oh yeah. God bless America. The land of opportunity, the land of freedom.”_

_“Why are you doing this to your own people?”_

_*  
“My people? Oh no. My people aren’t supposed to dress up in men military uniform when you were born female. Right, you sicko?” He looked down at the boy, pushing his head with the gun._

_*  
“I’m not a girl.” The man laughed and kicked his groin. “See if you’re a boy, that’d hurt better but you’re not aren’t you?” He leaned down and tapped Adam’s cheek. Adam spitted and Lexa saw the rage on the gunman’s face. _

_“Don’t touch me you fucking bastard!” He punched him and Adam fell down the ground, not moving any muscle._

_“He’s just a kid. What do you want? Money? Food? Medicines? I can get them for you. Enough for a whole town a week.”_

* _“No, sergeant no. I have all those. I don’t care about the people here. Hell, they’re not the same color so I fairly don’t give a shit. I want my country back. See sergeant, I was in your place but I realized I need to protect my country even better, with how fucked up its becoming. I mean you see who our president is now? Sick.”_

_“You’re killing innocent people. People who didn’t do anything. Don’t you see who the bad guy is? You’re pointing gun at children, who are you protecting?”_

_“Major!” A voice called from the outside and the man pointed the gun at Lexa. He focused on her eye before laughing and walking out. Lexa let out deep breaths, her heart beat faster than normal, her palms were sweating more and she felt like choking. She closed her eyes and saw Clarke. She saw the girl smiling softly at her, rubbing her back, teaching her the breathing technique. 3 seconds in, 3 seconds out. Repeat 8 times._

_“Raed, no. Min fadlak!” An elderly man, hugging a package tightly was pushed. He was skinny; his greyish red beard covered his tired face._

_"Fucking terrorist."_

_“Children. Arbaa children. No, raed.” He stuttered, kneeling and begging. Lexa felt sick, Sarah brushed her shoulder against her own and shook her head, already crying. Lexa tried to get up only to stop by a gunshot and blood splattered over her boots and pants. She sat back down, staring at the soulless body in front of her, still hugging the package. She heard the sound of cries outside the tent and beside her._

* * *

Lexa wakes up, catching her breath and letting her heartbeat slows down. She looks around, and put a hand on her stomach feeling sick. Her body is sticky and she can feel the air hitting her wet body. The blanket covering her body is now on the floor along with her glasses. 

“Hey hey, you’re okay.” Clarke puts down the sketchbook and kneels down beside her. “You’re okay, baby. I’m here.” She whispers the last part, stroking Lexa’s cheek and wiping the sweat off her forehead with her other hand. “You’re okay. I’m here.” She repeats, turning Lexa’s head facing her.

“You’re home. You’re safe.” She adds, smiling and kissing the marine’s nose.

Lexa takes a deep breath and nods. She closes her eyes, letting Clarke’s words sooth her as the girl holds her. After few moments, Clarke pulls away and sits next to Lexa, taking her hand to assure that she is indeed home.

“You fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t have the heart to wake you up.” 

Lexa nods, “I was tired but I wanted to wait for you. I brought cookies from this bakery we stopped by because Lincoln was hungry. It’s really good, I thought you might want to try.” Clarke chuckles and kisses the palm of Lexa’s hand, letting her lips linger for few seconds.

“How was the hospital?”

“It was okay. I had one surgery today and it went well. How was it with Lincoln and…”

“Lily. Lily Brown. It was… hard. It was very hard.” Clarke rubs Lexa’s hand, focusin her eyes on her despite Lexa not looking at her.

“He never got to hold his son. Not even once. He’s seen one picture of him and he kept it in his pocket the day he died. She didn’t have a job before and now she has to work night shift. It’s so hard, Clarke. Nobody deserves that. The thing we saw—“ She chokes and looks down at their intertwined fingers, “He loved his family so much. He talked about them a lot. After every letters, he told me about them and asked me when I’m going to have my own because no feelings beat that.” 

“Nobody deserves that, especially not his family.” Clarke assures her. 

“I saw a man getting shot in the head as he tried to bring food to his kids. He begged—him—he begged that fucking monster and yet he killed him. In front of us. In front of us, Clarke. I see them every day in my dream… even when I’m not sleeping, I see them. I see the blood, I see the guns, I hear them, I—I smell them.” Lexa closes her eyes and Clarke pulls her head down to her shoulder, rubbing her back. 

“How long have you been having these nightmares?”

“Ever since I got on the plane. I didn’t get the nightmares when I’m there cause it’s already a nightmare in real life. It hurts, Clarke.”

“Shh…” Clarke kisses her neck, “I know. Take it all in, I’m here. We can talk about it all night.” 

“I dreamt of you a lot when I’m there. Every dream I had been beautiful because it was so tragic when I opened my eyes. My dreams consisted of you and me. It was everything I ever wanted and now it’s real. I thought I’d never get to be here again but—“ again she chokes and this time Clarke has no words to say as she’s trying to hold back her own tears.

“I love you so much, Clarke.” Lexa pulls away and stares at Clarke, cupping her face with both of her hands. 

“I love you so much. I never thought a heart as big as my fist can hold so much love for one person.” She rests her forehead against Clarke’s.

“Don’t tell Raven or anyone else I said that. I love them too.” She says after seeing Clarke’s small smile, causing the girl to giggle.

Clarke kisses Lexa on the mouth, both not moving a single muscle. “I love you too, Lexa. So much.” She replies and wipes Lexa’s tears as Lexa wipes hers. 

“Come, let’s go upstairs and you can take a shower. You’re sweating.”

“You’re trying to say I’m stinky now, doc? You’re the one running around in a hospital wearing the same scrubs.” 

“Asshole. Let’s go, I can’t wait to taste the cookie.” Clarke hands Lexa her glasses and the girl put it on. “Sexy.” Clarke winks and runs upstairs.

Lexa follows her and thinks of how lucky she is to get everything back to normal.

* * *

Clarke walks out of the bathroom, stopping in front of Lexa who is sitting on the bed staring at the wall. She sits, taking Lexa’s hand and kissing her cheek. 

“You’re brave.”

“I’m not. I’m crying inside every day for everything’s that I’ve done, it’s not bravery, Clarke. It’s ever hardly that.” Clarke lays her head on Lexa’s shoulder, rubbing her hand.

“You know we can talk about this right? It’s perfectly normal to feel this way after what happened, Lexa.”

“I—I don’t know what I want to do. I just want these images to go.” Clarke turns Lexa’s head to face her, “Do you want to see professional? I have someone you can talk to. He’s a very good doct—“  
“Let’s just take a bath, if that’s okay? I rather not think of it now. I just want to sleep it off.” The younger girl nods, pulls Lexa up and walk to the bathroom. 

“Strip.” Clarke commands and Lexa raises her eyebrows, “I mean—undress yourself.”

“So straightforward.” Lexa smirks and takes off her shirt, Clarke is about to reply but decided against it as she sees Lexa’s scar. The smile on her face fades and Lexa’s eyes follows her down to her abdomen. She sees the tears pooling on her girlfriend’s eyes and she walks closer to the girl.

“Hey, I’m okay.”

Clarke looks up at her, smiling softly and moves her eyes back down to the scar. She slowly lifts her hand and runs it over Lexa’s toned abs and then the scar. She looks back up for an answer for her silent question.

“Gunshot.”

Lexa can see how Clarke’s taking a deep breath so she leans down and kisses her forehead, rubbing her hands down the girl’s arms. 

“It’s fine. I’m okay.” She assures her, pulling away. “How about we take a bath together? You had long day at work too, it’s only fair.” 

Clarke thinks of saying no and the look that the girl is giving her and her heart is screaming a yes but she couldn’t, right? Lexa sees the hesitant and smiles understandingly. Lexa turns around and unzip her pants, only to be stopped by Clarke’s hand on her arm. She turns back and Clarke gives her a nod. 

“Okay, hop in. I’ll get you your towel. Same drawer?” Clarke nods, already half naked. Lexa tries not to stare and search for the towel. 

Lexa walks back in and get in the bathtub, her back resting against it as Clarke follows her. She bits her lips, forcing herself not to make any sound when her very naked girlfriend’s body touches her own. She wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist as Clarke kisses her collarbone. 

“I wish we'd light up some candles.” She breaks the silence, causing Clarke to laugh. 

“Of all thing you could say, you chose that.”

“Well… this is sort of romantic.”

“Taking a bath in our own filth as we both had very tiring day? Very romantic, Lex.”

“Yet here you are, taking a bath, naked, with me.” 

“I couldn’t resist.” 

She kisses Clarke’s shoulder and takes in the familiar scent of the setting. They did this a lot and she didn’t realize how much she misses their random activities together until now. Clarke puts her hands on Lexa’s knees while Lexa rubs her thighs. 

“I love you.” Clarke whispers out of nowhere, hitting Lexa’s chin with her head as she tries to look up. “I’m so sorry!” Lexa laughs and shakes her head, kissing her head. 

“I love you too, my ciel.” 

Clarke moves her hands from Lexa’s knees to interlock their fingers together, resting them on the side of the bathtub. The marine stares at the left ring finger and feels her heart beats faster. She smiles knowing that it’s time.

It’s time to put a ring on that finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from open water by blessthefall featuring lights. 
> 
> I ended it there because I don't want the angst to be so soon after the finale and the shitty adr 'i love you'. we deserved better and clexa sure as hell does too. I hate that i have to write those shitty words, again i'm sorry. (i am that person who said sorry a lot even after someone asked me to stop) hope you guys enjoyed it and i hope you guys will have an amazing day. also, my arabic is as good as someone who dropped the class at the age of 10. I apologize for that. (see what i mean?)
> 
> let me know what you think.


	10. (and) you remain my most favorite thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from a song called favorite thing by yuna. cute song because the next chapter will not be cute anymore.

_Lexa frowned looking down at the wrapped package on the table. Lincoln tapped the table louder than before and Lexa felt how intense he’s shaking his legs. She looked up at him who gave her a very soft, convincing look._

_“Can’t you sneak?” Lexa asked._

_“Well yes but if I got caught, it’ll bad don’t you think? We’re marines, you know how it is.”_

_“You’re seeing your girlfriend, not doing something inappropriate.”_

_“The rules said no boys and I’m following it. Do you want me, a fellow marine, also your best friend to break rules? Plus, you’d get to know her! I’ve always wanted you guys to become friends.”_

_“There are other ways to do that like I don’t know maybe a lunch?”_

_Lincoln rolled his eyes with a small smirk._

_“I think it’ll be romantic. Come on, I know deep, deep, very deep inside you’re romantic too. I really think I'm falling so deeply in love with her.” He looked at her with the most sincerest smile on his face, his eyes were teary and he looked very dreamy. Lexa wanted to slap him but she's never seen him like this. He was always secretive about his relationship and Lexa knew he had few of them before but for him to even to tell Lexa the name of the girl he's seeing was a very big deal._

_She rolled her eyes, let out a sigh and nodded._

_"What’s her room number and show me her picture.”_

_This time Lincoln gave her a huge smile, taking out his phone out of his pocket and showed her his lock screen._

* * *

_Lexa looked at the number on the door once again before knocking. The loud music playing in the room and the busy hallway must’ve made it hard to hear the knocking so she knocked harder._

_“Who is it?” Someone asked, lowering the volume of the music._

_“I have a package for Octavia?” She heard the footsteps getting closer so she walked back a few steps. When the door opened, Lexa was dumbfounded. A blonde was looking with her head down focusing on the thick book in her hand._

_“Tavia!” The girl yelled her eyes still on the book as she walked to her bed. Lexa’s eyes followed her and she felt her heart beat faster than ever. Whatever it was she’s planning to say was disturbed by the actual girl she’s looking for._

_“Hi?”_

_Lexa turned her gaze down the girl in front of her and gave her a small smile, handing the bouquet._

_“Lincoln sent me here.” She explained when she realized the girl was looking at her with a very confused face._

_“I’m Lexa.” Octavia’s eyes widen and she looked behind her, at the girl Lexa was staring at few moments ago. As if she can sense Octavia, the girl looked up and for the first time, Lexa got to see her eyes. Even from where she’s standing, the girl’s eyes are the bluest eyes she’s ever seen._

_“You’re Lexa.” Octavia said, breaking the gaze between Lexa and the blonde._

_“Yeah, I am.”_

_“But you’re pretty. Like, really pretty.”_

_Lexa hoped she wasn’t blushing and if she was she prayed that the girl didn’t notice it._

_“Um, thanks?”_

_“Lincoln talked about you a lot. He said you’re like the sister he’s always wanted.”_

_“I feel the same way too. He’s like the brother I’ve never knew I wanted but I’m—”_

_“When he said sister I thought you’re way older but you’re young and you’re pretty and you guys spent so many times together—“ Lexa giggled and the girl glared at her, causing Lexa to giggle louder._

_“He’s not exactly my type.”_

_“Cut the bullshit. Have you seen him? He’s beautiful and his abs--” The girl made an explosion motion with her hands._

_“I don’t like him, at least not like that. Well, I don’t like any guys like that, really.” Now laughter can be heard and Lexa looked behind Octavia where the blonde’s laughing very loudly with the book she was so focused on before on the floor._

_Lexa felt her heart fluttered and her tummy turned at the sound, she rubbed the back of her neck as she felt the hair standing._

_“Oh.” Was Octavia’s replied, and she’s definitely blushing._

_“I’m sorry.” She added, looking down at the flowers._

_“Don’t worry about it. He also—“ Lexa took something out of her back pocket, “wanted me to give you this.”_

_A pink box._

_Octavia slowly took it from her hand; carefully not to touch Lexa’s hand afraid that she’ll embarrassed herself more._

_“I should go. It’s nice to meet you, Octavia.” Lexa gave her a soft smile, taking a step behind. Octavia then pulled her in for a hug. Lexa was confused but she hugged the girl back. She felt someone looking at her so she looked up and saw that the blonde—who Lexa assumed was the roommate—shaking her head with a smile as she looked at Lexa. Before she gets to smile back, Octavia pulled out and stared at her._

_“Are you scared?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Well your heart is beating really fast. I’m sorry that I might seem a bit—intimidating but I didn’t mean to scare you.”Lexa nodded decided to go along._

_“No worries. I’ll see you again sometimes, Octavia.” She said nodding once again at her and at the roommate who nodded back with a grin, waving at her. Lexa turned around, not realizing that she was smiling the whole time as she’s walking to the car._

_Lexa didn’t say no the next time Lincoln asked her to send something to his girlfriend, in fact she helped him looked for gifts to get her. After 4 times delivering her best friend’s gift just to see the blonde for few minutes, she finally got to know her name._

_It’s Clarke._

_(and that name stuck with her throughout the whole night like a god damn mantra.)_

* * *

Lexa texts Raven next after not getting any replies from the others. She’s sure the girl is not asleep; she’s probably still up working. Somewhere in New York, Raven must be coming up with new ideas or new ways to make something better. She’s an engineer, she doesn’t stop working.

**Lexa [3:12 a.m]: You happen to know her ring size?**

**Raven [3:12 a.m]: Why?**

**Lexa [3:13 a.m]: I know you’re not that dumb, Raven.**

**Raven [3:13 a.m]: Have you asked for Abby’s permission? Are you planning on it?**

**Lexa [3:14 a.m]: Not yet but of course I’m going to ask for her permission. I already have the ring to show Abby, I just need to make sure it’s the right size.**

**Lexa [3:15 a.m]: (image attached: 1)**

**Raven [3:16 a.m]: Jesus, how much does that cost**

**Lexa [3:16 a.m]: More than I could afford but I just fell in love with it the moment the guy showed it to me. The blue reminded me so much of her eyes. Don’t you think so?**

Lexa takes out the ring out of the box and waits for the next reply. She’s starting to think that the girl is asleep after not getting any texts for few minutes. She traces the stone of the ring and think of the ways she’s going to purpose. Maybe she should ask Raven… okay, maybe not. That girl has no romantic bones in her. The sound of her phone startles her and she curses Raven while unlocking the phone. 

**Raven [3:20 a.m]: I know you were with Bell when he chose Gina’s ring and you probably remember her size. That’s it. That’s Clarke’s size.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's short and not my favorite but i need to post it because i'm so depressed about going back to uni soon. i hope you guys enjoyed it. i thought a little back story would be nice before shit went down because the next few chapters will hurt. i don't know when i'll update but you can ask me about this fic either on my [ tumblr ](https://lexaismyreason.tumblr.com) or [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/farraregui)
> 
> maybe drop by for ideas or just to talk. i need a friend to be honest. tell me what you think down below, i'll very much appreciate that :)
> 
> thank you for reading, lovelies.


	11. i love you enough to let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is it.
> 
>  

Lexa takes a deep breath as she stops the engine. She stares at Griffin’s household and grips the steering wheel. She turns her gaze down to the customized tiny, thin box on the passenger’s seat and feels her heart beats faster. She hides it in her pocket, taking another deep breath and steps out of the car. 

She knocks on the door twice, not bothering to use the bell. She taps on her right pocket just to make sure the box’s still there. When the door opens, she immediately puts on her widest smile only to meet the last person she’s expected. 

“Lexa.” 

Lexa steps forward and pulls the other person into a tight hug. She pulls back few seconds later and takes a closer look at him from head to toe, stopping at the nametag on his chest.

“Officer Blake. You look good.” She says, trying not to tear up from seeing her close friend. “You’ve been gone for too long, Bell. How’s Texas? And where’s Benji?” She looks for the boy over his shoulder. 

“I’ve been gone for too long? Lex, you went missing for years.” Lexa smiles and again looks at Bellamy in his dark blue uniform and his very neat and short hair. Her last image of him was him with his hair just above his shoulder with no facial hair whatsoever, so this is very new to her. He looks matured. 

“I’m glad you’re back, Sergeant. I’ve missed you and Ben is at his friend’s house for a birthday party. You look great.” Bellamy hugs her again and pulls her inside.

“Is Abby here? I need to talk to her.” Lexa sits down the couch.

“Yeah, she’s upstairs getting ready for her shift. I uh, I dropped by for a free coffee. I don’t really like any coffees here.” Bellamy puts down the mug in front of Lexa and takes a sip of his own from the thermos. 

“Oh come on, they’re not that bad.” 

“They’re not but they are overpriced.” She nods at that, agreeing completely. She notices his tired eyes and his ageing face.

“I’m sorry for not being here when she…,” Lexa says, stopping mid-sentence not knowing whether to continue or not. Bellamy gives her a small smile and shakes his head.  
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not like you intended on not being there plus,” he takes another sip, “I think she’d understand. I know for sure she’s smiling right now that you’re here. Remember how excited she was when you came back from the second tour?”

Lexa laughs at the memories.

“The surprise was great. Her and Clarke sure knew how to throw a party, huh those two? They’re so similar it’s actually weird.” 

“They are.” Bellamy clenches his jaw and nods. “I have to go to work now. Can’t be late for cop duty!” She stands up with him, tapping his shoulder.

“Go arrest some criminals and save the day. I’m proud of you, Bell.”

Bellamy pulls her in for a hug and kisses her cheek.

“I’m really glad you’re okay, Lex.”

* * *

_Lexa took the beer she was offered and thanked the guy. She didn’t know any of these people, and Lincoln went to find Octavia the moment they walked in, not bothering to ask Lexa to tag along. It’s been a while since they’ve seen each other so Lexa couldn’t blame him but still, not being alone in a college party filled with loud music and kissing noises would be nice. Maybe if she’s lucky, Clarke would be here. Or maybe not, knowing how busy that girl is with her studies._

_“What you doin here? You’re not a student here obviously.” A girl approached her, pointing at her gray USMC shirt._

_“A friend of mine is dating someone from this school.”_

_“What rank are you?” She asked again._

_“Um—“ The girl lifted her pointer finger, “Actually I don’t want to know. I’m keeping an eye on you. No outside students should be allowed here.” She rolled her eyes said and walked away. Lexa turned to look at her and sighed._

_“You’re dead, Linc.” She finished the bottle and took another one on the table. She walked upstairs hoping that the people upstairs were decent enough not to hump each other or yelled at one another despite being next to each other. She saw a couple leaning against each other, having quite conversation and kissing every once in a while, three girls talking about a boy named Chris, two boys sleeping on the floor, not caring about the stains beside them._

_She walked further until she was met with the stairs and a door to the rooftop. She didn’t hope for anything. Turning around after closing the door, she almost dropped her beer when she saw a person sitting on the ground, staring off into the distance. Lexa recognized her immediately and caught herself smiling. Walking closer to the girl, she made sure she looked at least a little presentable with her shirt and faded skinny jeans. She checked her converse and made sure she didn’t step on anything._

_“Hey.” She broke the silence, shocking the other girl._

_“Sorry! I uh it was too loud down there and I hate kissing sounds.”_

_The girl chuckled, nodding her head and tapped the empty space next to her. Lexa sat down, lifted her knees and sipped her beer._

_“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.” Clarke said, still looking over the distance._

_“Yeah, we’ve been… busy.”_

_“That explained why Octavia hasn’t been receiving any gifts from two marines. You came with Lincoln?”_

_Lexa nodded, “He really missed Octavia.”_

_Silence took over for a while, just the two of them watching the nights getting darker and darker and trying not to get annoyed by the still visible loud music downstairs. Every once in a while the cold breeze decided to hit and Lexa noticed that Clarke softly rubbed her arms. Every time it happened, Lexa wished she had a jacket along with her and cursed the weather._

_“You don’t really look like a marine, you know?” Clarke said out of nowhere. Lexa turned her head and looked down at Clarke._

_“I don’t?” Clarke shook her head, “What do I look like then?”_

_“I mean with that cheekbones of yours, you might as well become a supermodel.” She realized what she said and blushed. “Or a lawyer. You look like a lawyer.” She added, looking away._

_“You look like an artist. The first time I saw you, I thought you were an artist.” Clarke turned her head back to face Lexa, her eyes widen._

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I actually really love art. I was thinking of pursuing in art but I love medic too and I really want to save lives.”_

_“Funny because I wanted to become a lawyer for so long but I guess life is a mystery.”_

_“Do you like being a marine?”_

_Lexa gave her a soft smile and nodded._

_“I've grown to like it. Do you believe in alternate universe?”_

_Clarke frowned and didn’t reply, afraid of embarrassing herself again._

_“I believe there is more universe than the one we’re living in right now. Maybe in another universe you’re a painter and I’m a lawyer, maybe in that universe they wish they were a doctor and a marine.”_

_“Where did you learn that from?”_

_“I spent many of my days reading weird conspiracies and fictions.” Lexa chuckled, “Stupid, I know but interesting.”_

_“No, it’s not weird. I like that. Maybe in that universe you have your own firm? Woods and someone.”_

_“You know my name?”_

_Clarke cursed herself again._

_“Well um your name was on your uniform and Octavia told me your name.”_

_“It’s okay, Clarke Griffin. I know yours too.” She smirked and Clarke wanted to hit her (and to kiss her). “Why are you up here and not down there having the time of your life, humping strangers and getting drunk?”_

_“I have a test to study for and I don’t dance.”_

_“Everyone dances.”_

_“I don’t.”_

_“How about homecoming or prom?”_

_“I went for a vacation during homecoming with my parents and I didn’t go to prom.” Lexa raised her eyebrow, “I found out a week before prom that my boyfriend cheated on me.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be, the girl he cheated on me with is now one of my best friend. Her name’s Raven. She’s in New York right now. It wasn’t a big deal. Prom was overrated but I wish I went with my friends. Did you go to prom?”_

_“I did, it was okay. I had fun but yeah overrated. I enjoyed the music and the dances.”_

_“A marine who dances, that’s rare.”_

_“I am a special species. Why don’t you dance and have fun with your friends downstairs?”_

_She shrugged. “Kind of saving it for the right moment. That and the music downstairs sucks.” They both laughed at that. Lexa looked at the girl’s profile and how blue her eyes were at the moment. She swallowed her saliva and stood up. She offered her hand to the blonde. Clarke gave her a confused smile._

_“I don’t know if this is a right moment but I have great taste in music. So, would you like to dance?” Clarke hesitated and Lexa wanted to run and get another beer. Clarke took her hand before she could do anything else and stood up._

_“We’ll dance to the first song on shuffle.”_

_“Deal.”  
Lexa took out her phone and handed it over to Clarke, putting on one ear bud. The other girl pressed the shuffle button. Clarke laughed at the song and paused it._

_“One Direction? You really are a mystery, Lexa Woods.”_

_“The guys thought it was funny and I didn’t know how to remove songs.”_

_“This three dots here? There’s a delete button.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Well we agreed on first song. If this song is about 18 years olds losing virginity, I will kill you.”_

_“Hey, at least your first dance is memorable.” Clarke hits her chest and pressed play._

_They didn’t move a muscle. They stood there listening to the music, waiting for the words. Lexa made the first move by resting her hand just above Clarke’s hips and pulled her closer. Clarke felt herself blushed harder so she hid her face by laying her head on the girl’s chest. Lexa lifted Clarke’s hand and moved their bodies together._

_‘These arms were made for holding you’ those words kept replaying in Lexa’s head. She stopped moving and Clarke looked up at her. The taller girl caressed the girl’s cheek and leaned in._

_“Go out with me? I really want to kiss you but I already stole your first dance with a cheesy song so I can’t be cheesier by kissing you right now even though I really want to. So, will you go on a date with me?”_

_Clarke smiled widely and nodded before laying her head back down on Lexa’s chest. ___

* * *

Lexa checks on the sauce for the hundredth times and looks at the time. 

Any time now. 

She feels her knees getting week as she shakily takes out the box on the table. She opens it and huffs, tracing the rock. 

“She’ll say yes. She will. She’ll like the ring. God, I hope she does. Stop worrying, Lex. She’ll love it. She’ll say yes.” She mutters. She immediately shoves the box inside her pocket when she hears the sound of the door and footsteps.

“Mom, I’m home.” 

Lexa walks to the living room and smiles at the girl who is now sitting down the couch with her scrubs still on. Her eyes are closed and her hair is wild. Lexa has to mentally slap herself in order to move towards the girl.

“Hey, you.” Clarke opens her eyes, “Lex? I thought you’re at your apartment.” Lexa smiles, kneeling down. 

“I was. I came over to cook for you. Abby’s at the hospital. Let’s eat, you must be hungry.” She stands up, offering her hand. Lexa drags her to the kitchen where Clarke can smell the food and the candles Lexa must’ve brought from home. There are tons of them and there is a bouquet on top of the dining table. Clarke closes her eyes, knowing what’s going to happen tonight. 

Lexa is acting very strange. She’s nervous but trying to act normal. She asks Clarke about her day at the hospital and how she met Bellamy earlier today. They talk about so many things. Lexa keeps on playing with her pocket, wondering if it’s the right moment only to chicken out after. Five times. That’s how many times she tried to take the box out and kneel down in front of Clarke but decided against it.

Clarke is now cleaning the dishes despite Lexa told her not to but it’s only fair, Clarke said, because she cooked so Lexa let her and also, because she’s trying to get ready for the real event. She stares at the back of Clarke’s head and taps her pocket to make sure it’s still there. 

She takes a deep breath. 

“Do—do you remember our first date?”

Clarke nods, letting the water hits her hands even though there are no other dishes to clean. She feels Lexa getting closer to her and closes her eyes.  


“Do you know when I fell in love with you?” Clarke clenches her jaw, waiting for the girl to continue. “The first few weeks after our first date. You were stressed out over the boy who got a higher mark for his shitty report even though he lacked of passion. You then talked about your own report. We were at the park and it was cold. You hair was wild, just like it is now. You were so done with everything so you stole my phone and shuffled the music.”

Clarke stares at Lexa who is looking down at her with so much love in her eyes. How can she hurt that face? How can she break this girl’s heart?  


“You didn’t know this but I had a shitty night too. I wanted to end it, I wanted to give up. I was so suicidal but seeing you dancing around the park, not caring that there were people staring at you being so carefree, just seeing your face… it made everything better. Like my life finally had purpose. And that purpose is to be with you and to love you for the rest of my life.”

“Lexa,”

“I already know what life is without you and that life isn’t the life I want to live ever again.”

“Lex—“

“There’s this quotes from this movie I watched when with Raven last week, _‘There’s something I know when I’m with you that I forget when I’m away’_ and I don’t want to be away anymore. I can’t handle being away from you. I love you so very much, Clarke Griffin and I want to—“ Lexa slowly shoves her hand inside the pocket.

“I’m engaged.”

Lexa closes her mouth and frowns. 

“Who told you? Is it Raven? I’m going to kill her, that asshole I swear can’t be trusted—“

“Lexa no! I’m engaged. I’m engaged to someone.”

Lexa stares at her, still confused. 

“I’m so sorry. It is killing me knowing what you’re trying to do and it’s killing me not getting to see the ring you chose.” Lexa wets her lips, opening her mouth, “Please don’t say anything yet.” She cups Lexa’s cheeks and traces the scar on the girl’s chin. 

“Gina died few months after you were gone and they told me that you died. They told me they found your bag with your blood and they told me that you’re gone, Lexa. I was a mess because I didn’t believe them but people kept trying to make me accept your death. The only person that understood what I was dealing with was Bell.”  
Lexa is still confused trying to put together what Clarke is saying. Clarke is shaking and crying so Lexa wipes the tears on Clarke’s face and brushes her cheek. 

“We spent more and more time together talking about you and Gina. The night of Lincoln and Octavia’s engagement party, Bell was late and he was wearing his uniform. He was carrying Benji who fell asleep and I brought them to the guest room. He was wearing his uniform and he reminded me of you.” Clarke takes a deep breath.

  


“He was there and he reminded me so much of you, Lex.” She repeats. Lexa drops her hands and stares at the window behind Clarke, finally realizing what the girl’s trying to say. Her stomach turns and she’s having hard time to breathe.

“He kissed me after I tugged Benji to bed and I—I kissed him back.”

“Stop.” Lexa finally says, pushes Clarke away from the sink and throws up. She turns the water on, trying to not imagine the images of Clarke and Bellamy together. 

“Jesus.”

“Lex—“ Clarke chokes. Lexa lifts her hand, stopping the girl. She washes her mouth and walks out the kitchen. “Lex!” Clarke follows her and catches her hand. Lexa pulls her hand away and continues walking to the front door. 

“Lexa, please. I’m so sorry. Please let’s talk. Let me at least explain.” Lexa turns around, her eyes are red and her cheeks are wet.

“You had time to explain, Clarke. You had so many chances to explain. You made me look like a fool in front of everyone. You—fuck I talked to him today!” She turns back around and walks out the door. 

“Hey sorry, I left my badge—“ Lexa punches him on the face without thinking twice. He falls to the ground, dumbfounded. 

“Lex!”

She lifts him by his collar and punches him on his jaw and throat. He spits out blood struggles to push her off.

“Out of all girls, why her!” She yells, punching him again three times. "You son of a bitch!"

Clarke tries to pull her away, “Lexa, stop!” The girl ignores her and kicks his side. 

“Daddy?” Lexa stops and looks up at the voice. A boy with shaggy hair with a teddy bear looks back and forth between them and Clarke. “Ben, get in the car!” Bellamy coughs out his words. Lexa lets him go, standing up. Clarke runs to the boy and kneels down.

“Benji baby, get in the car okay?” The boy nods, looking at his father while walking to the car. Clarke walks at Bellamy and helps him up. He has his arm around her shoulder as he wipes his face with his other hand. Clarke looks up at him asking him if he’s okay, taking out a napkin from her pocket she always carries and hands it to him. 

Lexa watches as everything unfolds and clenches her jaw. She knows by then that she no longer deserves any place in Clarke’s heart as she already replaces her with another man and a boy. She has a family. She has a new life without Lexa and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to anyone but she can’t help but to think that she deserved to know sooner. She can’t help but wishing that Clarke would’ve waited. She can’t help but feeling sorry for herself but she understands. 

She understands and that is so fucked up.

Clarke lifts her hand and wipes her bloody knuckles. Lexa looks at his face and looks down at her now clean knuckle. Clarke is still holding her hand as she stares up at her. Lexa slowly pulls away, ignoring the look Clarke’s giving her. 

She gets inside her car and drives away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sorry for the late update but uni just started so I'm kind of busy. This fic is dedicated to Sara because it's her birthday so happy birthday, Sara. Thank you for lending me your ears. Also, thank you to Dani for being a great reader, thank you to all the anons that talked to me. I appreciate your words, guys. I really. I hope you all will have an amazing week. Thank you so much for reading. Leave me some comments and let me know what you think. Not my favorite chapter but I just have to do it.
> 
> try not to hate on Clarke too much. she's just as broken.


	12. some kind of muted blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide attempts and thoughts.

_Lexa held her head with both of her hands as she sat down her bed, staring at the uniform she hung behind the door. She didn’t move her eyes off the uniform; focusing on the imprinted, capitalized name. She took in every letters, WOODS and her heart felt heavier than it already was. It was as if people want to know the name of the person that invaded their country and their homes. It disgusted her but she’s got no other choice. She chose this and she wanted to prove to people that Lexa Woods’ worth something and that she’s not a bad luck and that people don’t die around her._

_Except that’s exactly what she’s doing._

_She closed her eyes and gripped her hair as she heard the imaginary gunshots and screams. The fact that she’s going to relive that life again broke her, she knew she’ll never really be fully okay after seeing so many innocent people bathing in their own blood._

_“You can do this,” She finally said out loud. She clenched her jaw and slowly turned her gaze away from the uniform to the uncapped bottle on the bedside table. She slowly reached the bottles, clenching and unclenching her hand every once in a while to stop herself from shaking too much._

_When her middle finger touched the bottle, her phone went off and she accidentally tipped the bottle, causing bunch of pills to fall down the floor._

_“Fuck.”_

**Clarke**

_She picked up her phone and felt her throat tighten as she stared at the name and Clarke’s big smile. She answered her phone and slowly brought the phone to her ear._

_“I miss your kiss.” Was what Clarke said and it was as if a warm breeze decided to hit Lexa at once. She shakily let out a deep breath._

_“Can we meet tonight please?”_

_Clarke decided to meet late night at the park where they shared their first kiss. Clarke arrived first because she was already outside and Lexa was late because she was trying to look like she didn’t plan on killing herself or at least look decent. She should’ve said no but for some reasons she thought seeing Clarke for the last time would be a great way to end it all. Despite everything, she still went to buy Clarke a can of Redbull._

_“You’re my favorite girlfriend.” Clarke said, taking the Redbull off Lexa’s hand._

_“You have other girlfriend?” Lexa asked, smiling softly at her girlfriend who’s drinking the Redbull and not caring about how some of the liquid was dripping down her chin. She shook her head and kissed Clarke’s temple._

_“Can we listen to some music and dance?” Lexa raised her eyebrow at that, not knowing what to answer._

_“There’s this… asshole in class. He is… ugh! He’s just an ugh.” The taller girl took the blonde’s hand and walked her to the bench._

_“The subject he chose was barely even hard and he paid so many people to do the research because his father is a millionaire and he’s too busy doing whatever it is rich kid’s doing AND his friend said he has someone from the inside to help him. This is not fair. Everyone knows this and yet male version of Umbridge praised him for his paper.” Lexa’s eyes widen and she tried to catch up with Clarke was saying, she laid her hand on the girl’s thigh._

_“This is so unfair. Why do we live in this ugly world? Why am I studying medicine?” Clarke sighed, resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder, again sighing._

_“I don’t know.” Was what Lexa said after staying quiet for a while. “I’m sorry he’s an asshole, Clarke. You’ll definitely make a better doctor than him. I mean you have to go through shits to be successful, right?”_

_Lexa felt the other girl nodding._

_“Have you ever felt like quitting, Lex?” Asked Clarke after finishing her Redbull. Lexa clenched her jaw, staring off to distance. She thought of the pills on the floor and closed her eyes. Instead of answering, she kissed the side of Clarke’s jaw. Her hand’s circling Clarke’s back._

_“Let’s dance. Where’s your phone?” Clarke looked down at Lexa’s thighs. Lexa giggled and took it out of her pocket, handing the phone to her girlfriend._

_“Shuffle?”_

_Lexa nodded._

_The soft strumming of the guitar caught Clarke’s attention. She straightened her posture and smiled at the marine. She tapped Lexa’s knee twice before standing up and spinning around, looking up the dark sky._

_“I am yours and you belong to me.” She sang out loud, pointing at Lexa and winking. Lexa made sure nobody’s around and turned her gaze back to Clarke. The younger girl walked back to her, taking her hand and forcing her to stand up._

_“You turned my life around, so far off the ground. Pick me up, I’m falling down.” She whispered in Lexa’s ears and once again, the warmth air hit Lexa. Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck, her eyes still closed._

_“I think I’m falling in love with you.” This time Lexa was the one who sang it, not loudly but loud enough for Clarke to hear her and for Clarke to open her eyes. She looked up at Lexa who repeated the exact lyrics but this time, not singing it._

_“I think I’m falling in love with you.”_

_And when Lexa saw the flat mouth turned into a huge smile, she knew she won’t ever have to think of the pills on the floor ever again as long as Clarke’s around._

* * *

_You will be okay._

That’s what Lexa has been telling herself for the last two days after she found out about Clarke and Bellamy. She didn’t know what to feel, she’s confused, angry, but God she can’t help but thinking about how pathetic she must’ve been acting around Clarke and the others. They knew, everyone knew and they all have the same pity expression that Lexa was too blinded to see through and now everyone’s blowing up her phone. 

The small box on the table is mocking her. That ring’s supposed to be wrapped around Clarke’s finger but she’s already engaged. To one of Lexa’s best friend, of all people. Lexa looks at her bruised knuckles, reminding her of what she did. 

The knock on the door startles her. Didn’t she put on the no disturb sign? She huffs and opens the door without thinking twice. 

The person shoves her and walks in. 

“How did you know I’m here?”

“I’m Raven fucking Reyes, I’m smart and I know shits.” 

Lexa sighs, locking the door behind her. 

“Look, I know what you’re trying to do but I really don’t want anyone to kno—“

“Don’t worry. I didn’t tell anyone and I’m not planning to. I just want to see if you’re—“

“Alive?” Raven looks up at that, her emotion changes from being herself to an emotion Lexa has ever seen on Raven before; sympathy. 

“Well, I’m alive. You can go now.” Lexa says, pointing at the door as she sits back down. Raven walks to her and sits next to her. She unties her shoes, kicks them off, setting her feet on the table in front of them. 

“What are you doing? Go, Raven.” The girl didn’t reply, instead she closes her eyes and put an arm on her forehead.

“This is not a joke, Raven. I don’t need you here.”

“Shhh, I drove for hours. I need to sleep.”

“You can’t act like you’re innocent. You went with Clar—her plan too. You’re not an exception here. I really don’t need anybody. Just go, Raven.” The engineer sits upright and licks her lips. 

“We don’t have to talk about it at all. I’m not here for that. Let’s—let’s find a place to eat. Are you hungry?” She turns her head to Lexa, sending her a small smile. 

“I’m not hungry, Raven. I just want to be alone. Please.”

“I’m hungry and I don’t like eating alone, remember? Please?” Raven begs her with her eyes and prays to all the Gods that she’ll say yes. And for some reasons, despite all the shitty things she's done before, God is on her side because Lexa said yes.

* * *

Her gun is missing. 

Raven was looking for receipts to return something at the store when she noticed that the gun she always kept in her dashboard is missing. She looked under the passenger’s seat, under the driver’s seat, she checked the dashboard again for the fifth time, emptying it all together. She has never had to take it out so she knows she didn’t leave it in New York. She replays what she did today and only to remember that yesterday she and Lexa went out to eat and they drove her car. 

Lexa is the only one that knows about Raven keeping a gun. She found out few years ago and was angry at Raven, but accepted her decision to own one after Raven told her that she had a job offer in New York. 

She immediately calls Lincoln. 

“Wait what? You own a fucking gun? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Jesus that’s not the problem, Lincoln! The problem is that the gun is missing! And the last person in my car was the person who knows about the gun.”

“Lexa.” Lincoln says after few seconds of silence. 

“Yes.”

“You—you don’t think she’s going to do anything to Bell, right? I mean, she—she’s not crazy, Rav.”

“I don’t think she’s going to harm anyone but I do think she’s using it on herself.” 

“Fuck. Raven—fuck. Raven, shit. Pick me up now. You know where she is right?” Raven nods, not thinking of the fact that Lincoln can’t see her. 

“Okay but you have to stay in the car. I’m on my way.”

* * *

She looks down at the speeding cars and lightly shakes as the cold breeze hits her body. She turns her gaze from the traffic to her right hand that’s holding the glock-17. She closes her eyes and clenches her jaw. The bottle of pills next to her left abandoned. They won’t do anymore, they’re too slow. She’ll be able to feel the pain, and anyone could’ve saved her as she waits for her soul to leave her body. 

She opens her eyes and again looks down. She is now hundreds of feet above the ground. A tiny step and it’ll all be over but what if midway of falling, she found herself regretting the decision? Dying with regrets is not how she wanted to end her life. And what if for some insane reasons, she actually survived but ended up being paralyze for life and have to be reminded of what she tried to do? Everyone she’s trying to leave will stay with her and Clarke would be the one who will be taking care of her.  
You’re thinking about this too much. 

Shooting herself would be the easiest way to go. A single bullet to the head and she’ll be gone and her lifeless body will fall down the 24 floors and then her heart won’t be the only ones that’s broken. She takes a deep breath as she lifts her shaking right hand to her head. 

_You can do this._

She looks up at the stars and embraces all the memories she’s been trying to forget for the past few days. She lets herself think of Clarke Griffin, and how despite everything that’s going on, she’s still very much in love with. She thinks of her wide smile and her clear blue eyes. She thinks of the mole that she kissed every night before she closed her eyes and how she wishes that she could kiss it for the last time. She thinks of Clarke and herself being happy. 

She brings the gun closer to her temple, swallowing her saliva as the coldness from the muzzle hits her head.

“Lexa!” She hears the familiar voice and shudders. She stays put, afraid to turn around. 

“Lexa, fuck. Lexa, don’t do this.” The footsteps sound clearer, “Don’t do this. Take a deep breath, Lex.” Another footstep.

“Don’t come any closer. Go home, Raven. Please.” Lexa pleads. 

“Turn around and look at me.” Raven begs, stopping just few feet behind. “Look at me, Lexa. I’m here. I promise you I’m here and that I will always be here. You don’t want to do this. This—this is—“ 

Lexa lifts the gun back to her head.

“Jesus fuck! Lexa please. Please, I’m begging you. Turn around or just fucking shoots me for being a fucking idiot. Just… turn around, please.” 

Lexa takes a step down and slowly turns around, the gun still glued to her head. She bites the inside of her cheek at the sight of Raven crying and shaking. 

“This is not the answer. You don’t want to do this. Take a deep breath and clear your mind. You know you don’t want to do this.”

“You don’t know what I want. My life is over, Raven. There’s no point of living anymore.” 

“You know that’s not true. There are so many more things to look forward to, to live for.”

“Except all I could think of was the past.”

“Every moment’s relevant, Lex. Bittersweet or delicate, they’re there to shape the future.”

“What future? I don’t have those anymore. I don’t even have anyone to live for and for a while it has been Cla—Clarke,” she chokes, “but now, even she is gone.”

“Lexa,”

“My parents are gone taking my sister along with them and now the love of my life is gone. I don’t have anything to live for, Raven.”

“You have us.” Lexa looks up at that, “You have me. You will always have me. I’m your friend, Lexa. You have Lincoln, he’s not planning to go anywhere. You have Octavia, you have Monty, Murphy—fuck… you have so many people that love you, Lexa.”

“You guys are hers first and I’ll damned if you guys turned your back just because you guys feel sorry for me. She… she needs you guys.”

“You need us too.”

Lexa shakes her head, slowly moving her pointer finger to the trigger. 

“I’ve lived alone for a long time, I can do it all over again but Clarke… she has never been alone. You guys are her people, and I won’t take that away from her. Only Lincoln’s my friend but I would never let him choose side.”

“I’m your people, Lex. I promise. I love you and I’m here, just… put the gun down.” She tries to take a closer step to Lexa, only to have the girl taking a step back at where she originally was standing.

“Please, Lexa. Put the gun down. You said it yourself that you can do this.”

“This is an actual war. This hurts more than all the bullets that have been inside my body, hurts more than being kidnapped and tortured. This is like losing my parents and sister except she’s not really gone. She’s there to remind me what I’ve lost as if life is mocking me. This pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to fix this.”

“You haven’t grieved, Lex. And God, this is not fair. Not to anyone but it is absolutely not fair to you. You didn’t have the time to cry, to talk, or to even think of it. She should’ve told you sooner, we… should’ve told you. I’m so sorry, Lexa. Please let me hug you and let’s cry together. The bullet is not going to take away the pain.” Raven holds up her hand for Lexa to take.

“Clarke needs you.” And with that Lexa falls to her knees, the gun laying on the ground and she finally let the tears out. Raven wraps her arms around Lexa, gripping her shoulder tight and kisses her head. 

“I love you. I’m sorry.” She whispers and Lexa cries harder, wetting the other girl’s neck. “I’m so sorry.” She repeats. 

“You’ll be okay.” She assures, resting her forehead against Lexa’s. “I promise.” 

“I’ll be here every step of the way.”

Raven slowly put Lexa’s head on her chest, rubbing her back and holding her with her free arm. No words were exchanged between them and after a while of crying, Raven realizes that the girl has fallen asleep.

* * *

Lincoln sets down the chamomile tea in front of Lexa, the steam covering her face. She smiles softly at the tall guy and turns to look at Raven who is ordering her own drink. Every once in a while she feels her body quivers, the effect of crying for an hour straight. She puts up the collar of Lincoln’s jacket to cover her neck. 

“I heard from the lady that this tea is good for um… relaxation.” 

Lexa smiles at his attempt to find the right word, nodding to let him know that she’s fine with the choice of word he chose. Raven sits down next to her, growling. 

“They don’t have coffee?” Asks Lincoln, smirking. 

“What kind of a hipster place doesn’t serve coffee?”

“The kind that is named Tea Break?” Raven rolls her eyes and flips Lincoln off. She looks down at her cup of tea and huffs.

“Maybe you’ll like it.” Lexa says, sipping her own. “This is pretty good, actually.”

“It smells like perfume. It’s disgusting.”

Lincoln shrugs and tries his lemon balm tea. His eyes widen and then he frowns, confused to whether he likes it or not. Raven laughs at his reaction and sips hers only to have the same exact reaction. 

These two are her friends, her best friends. She didn’t know what to do without them. They basically saved her life but she can’t help but to feel the pain of seeing how normal they’re acting in front of her and how it reminded her of the old times. Everything about them reminds her of Clarke. She met Raven through Clarke and Lincoln will always be the reminder of how their relationship started. Being with them means that she’ll have to be reminded of the memories she shared with Clarke. 

“I want to go home.” 

Both of them stop bickering and stare at her. 

“I’ll call Octavia to clean your room.” 

She shakes her head. 

“I want to go home. This—this place, you guys—everything is a reminder of her. I need a break from this.” Lincoln clenches his jaw and stares at Lexa. Few seconds later, he sends Raven a soft smile and nods his head.

“But—“

“I won’t do anything stupid. I just need a time off. Please.”

Raven lays her hand on top of Lexa’s. She looks at Lincoln and waits for his answer. He nods slowly and the grip she has on the girl's fingers tighten. 

“I’ll book the flight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late update but i've been rewriting this for so many times, trying to make it as realistic without it being too depressing (probably failed at both). This is not my favorite chapter but I tried. I didn't even reread this. It's a very hard chapter for me to write because few years ago I actually did what Lexa was trying to do. Writing this made me think of what I felt before and I remember thinking that it'll be easier if I had a gun. Being suicidal is something I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy, it changes you as a person. 
> 
> if you are feeling suicidal or depressed, here are bunch of [ international hotlines ](http://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline) that you could call. You can also talk to me. Please know that you are worth living and that I care about you. I'm trying to tell myself this, but suicide is never the answer. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you guys will have an amazing weekend. Drop some reviews for me to read?
> 
> title is from the maine's 24 floors. a song i wish had existed three years ago.


	13. under the bright but faded lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for sara, the princess of the sea; the one who keeps me awake at night with beautiful thoughts.

Lexa sits down at one of the many empty chairs as she waits for Raven to bring them their drinks. She looks down at her phone and notices that she has few messages, from Clarke who’s never stop texting her after that day, Lincoln and surprisingly Bellamy. She hesitantly reads his first.

**Can we please meet? We can explain, Lexa.**

It is now 11:43 a.m and Bellamy sent the text about an hour ago. She rereads the text and chuckles bitterly at the usage of ‘we’. So Clarke and Bellamy talked about this together. Well, of course they would, they’re engaged.

“God,” She turns off her phone and throws it in her bag. When she looks up, she is meet with a tall guy with a half-smile, the famous Bellamy Blake’s smirk that girls go crazy about. She wonders if Clarke finds it charming and if that’s why she chose him.

“Hey.” He greets, walking towards her with both hands in his pocket. He stops next her and nods at the empty seat. Lexa clenches her jaw, looking at the distant and few seconds’ later nods.

“This is all messed up, huh?” He nervously giggles.

Lexa sits back and closes her eyes, listening to what he has to say. Bellamy understands her and continues.

“I—I’m so sorry, Lex.” He starts again. “I never meant for any of this to happen. It was never part of my plan… or Clarke’s. I can promise that. It—I don’t know how it happened but somehow it—it does.” He licks his bottom lip.

“I know you probably hate me, I mean you obviously does considering the bruises on my face.” Again, he chuckles and then clears his throat realizing that Lexa still has her eyes closed.

“Things are so complicated; I know that Lexa but… you don’t have to go. She needs you. Regardless of what she is to me, her heart still belongs to you and it will always belong to you. Just like my heart belongs to Gina. Talk to her at least… about this. Talk to her, she doesn’t deserve you avoiding her. She’s been waiting for so long, Lex. Let us explain.” Lexa slowly opens her eyes and turns her head to Bellamy. The guy sits up straight, smiling softly at her despite not getting any smile back.

“I’m sorry about your face. I’m sorry Benji saw that… I didn’t know what’s gotten into me. I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, I understand. I would do the same thing too.”

Lexa smiles, “So do it.” Bellamy frowns, not following the girl, “Punch me in the face, kick me, do what I did to you.”

“Lexa, what—“

“You said you would do the same thing. Our situation is pretty much the same. We’re bound to one girl, except you’re engaged to her and I’m her ex-girlfriend.”

“Fuck, Lex. I would never—you know that’s not the same thing.”

Lexa looks up at the flight board.

“You know what’s more fucked up, Bell?” She can sense that he’s looking at her, “It’s that I’m no longer mad. I was really mad when I found out but then… I completely understand.” She breathes out, looking at him again.

“It’s been 3 years and it could’ve been 5 or more years. I couldn’t expect her to wait. That’s not fair to her.”

“Lex, she waited every day. Even after we—“

“Sometimes she misses Jake so much after a long stressful day to the point where she’d get a breakdown. At night she would hold her tears, don’t let her hold them. Lie down next to her and hold her, rub her back. Don’t say anything, you’d ruin it. Just assure her that you’re there and that she will be okay.”

“Lexa wait—“

"Take her dancing every once in a while. Not to a club or a bar, anywhere but those places. Just play some songs even before going to bed, dance with her or watch her dance. She probably doesn't think she wants to but she does." Lexa takes a deep breath, "Don't let her stop painting. Don't take that away from her. Ask her to draw or paint something to let her know that other than a good doctor, she is also an artist. Let her be an artist."

"I will."

"She is her own person, just because she is now your fiancée, doesn't mean that you own her. If she needs time with herself, give it to her. Don't worry, she' not going anywhere."

Bellamy slowly nods.

“If you hurt her in any way, I will find you and the bruises on your face will be nothing compared to what I will do. Don’t test me.”

Bellamy gulps, “Lexa—“

“I don’t need explanation, not from you, not from Clarke, not from anyone. I’ve seen you with Gina and I know you can take care of her well. I know you can love Clarke and I rather it be you than anyone else because I know she is safe with you.”

She looks up and finally makes an eye contact with Bellamy. She can tell that he wants to cry, his nose and the tip of his ears are red. She takes in his features, focusing on his dark eyes, his sharp jaw, his curly-ish short hair, his chin that is similar to Clarke. He no longer looks like the boy he once was, this Bellamy is ready for a commitment. This is the Bellamy she knew when he met Gina. He is ready, he can and probably already loves Clarke in a way he loves Gina. He is a man, and as much as Lexa hates to say it, if Clarke and him decided to have a child, their child will be so beautiful.

She looks back down the shiny floor.

“Take care of her, Bell. You’re a good guy, love her with everything you have. You’re a lucky guy. Don’t make me regret letting go.” Bellamy clenches his jaw, holding back his tears as he thinks of what to reply. After few seconds, he closes his eyes, letting go of the tears and nods his head.

Lexa stands up and grabs her bag, looking around for Raven at the same time.

“Lexa wait,” Bellamy says his deep voice gets higher. He grabs her wrist to turn her around as he stands up, towering her.

“Thank you.” He whispers.

Lexa gives him a small smile and nods her head.

“Help me with something,” She takes a deep breath, “Don’t send me the invitation, okay? I’m sorry I just—“

“I won’t but I can’t promise for her.” He answers.

Lexa sends him a small smile, "Congratulation, again.” With that she picks up her bag from the floor and walks away. 

* * *

It’s her third day in Portland and finally it has stopped raining. Lexa kind of misses the sun because she feels like the rain is not helping her not think of her situation. She can’t go out for a jog to clear her head in the morning, she can’t really go out because it’s cold and she has nowhere in mind to go. It’s been too long since she left Oregon that so many things have changed.

Despite no rain, the weather is still quite cold. She shoves her hands inside her pockets, blowing the air intensely for some warmth. She smiles softly when she sees the mailbox to her house and walks faster.

“Alex?” She hears a familiar voice but keeps walking thinking that she mishears it. “Alexandria Woods.” She stops immediately. A tall, dark-skinned woman stands right in front of her with wide eyes.

Her heart stops beating for few second and Lexa is very sure she’s dying.

“It is you!” The girl walks closer, looking at her from head to toe. “Oh my god, Alex you’re back home!” She forgets how thick her accent was. She remembers now when kids in school used to mock her for her accent. They bonded over the fact that their fathers were Marines veterans.

She stops her gaze at her eyes and feels something stuck in her throat as she manages to get a word out.

“Costia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not a long chapter, again not my favorite. stay with me, guys. i can assure you that this is a clexa story and i know many of you guys are not big fans of Clarke but I have a way, I hope to make her likable again.
> 
> Thank you for many personal messages I received last chapter about my depression, you guys are amazing. I appreciate it. Thank you also for the reviews, keep em coming, they surely keeps me going. I hope you guys will have a great day/night ad thank you for reading.
> 
> also to whoever's celebrating eid, Eid Mubarak :)


	14. you filled my place with his embrace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _for janene,_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _the one who has loved me even when I don't love myself, even when we're no longer together. thank you for staying with me after all these years. i hope she knows that she is lucky and i hope she realizes what you're doing for her. also, I hope she is queer because i'm rooting for you two even though I think you deserved better. you're an amazing friend and you'll become a great engineer one day, trust me._
> 
>  
> 
> _2 ∞ & → _

Raven sits across Bellamy, not really paying attention to what her friends are talking about. Something about baseball or basketball, basically a topic she doesn’t care about. Murphy and Monty are talking about the same thing except they’re doing it louder than everyone else. Lincoln and Octavia are listening to them while judging them at the same time and Clarke is walking to the restroom.

“Raven?” Bellamy calls, his eyes are on her untouched food. “You okay? Eat your food.” He says, pointing at her plate with a fork. 

“I’m fine. The food’s not that good.” 

Bellamy looks down at his own food and frowns. This is their favorite place to eat, Raven’s the one who recommended this place many years ago and the whole gang agreed with her. This has always been the place they’d hang out to celebrate something special. Bellamy becoming a dad, Lexa getting promoted, Raven getting a job in New York, Clarke finishing her internship, and today, Lincoln and Octavia finally setting a date for their wedding. 

“That’s not it.”

“Congrats, you’re a genius.” She rolls her eyes, setting down her forks and sipping her drink.

“What’s wrong? You flew hours just to give an attitude? At least fake a smile for Linc and Tavia.” He whispers.

Raven bitterly chuckles.

“What’s wrong?” She mocks, “What’s wrong is that Lexa isn’t here when she’s supposed to be because her best friends are getting married.” Bellamy clenches his jaw, looking away for few seconds.

“Well, you know where she is. We asked her to come, it’s not like anyone abandoned her. She left.”

“What the hell is wrong with you? She left because of you.”

“I’ve asked her to stay. We all have. It’s her decision to leave, Raven. You can’t blame it on us. I know it’s hard for her but she’s not the only one hurting. Clarke is miserable too.”  
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” She raises her voice a little bit, “You can’t act like Clarke is innocent. Or you, for that matter.” 

“Clarke deserves to explain, she deserves better than this. Have you seen her? She is not the same anymore, Raven. She’s unhappy, she needs Lexa and what did Lexa do? She left.”

“Because of who? Because of you two!” She stands up, slamming the table causing the whole table to stop their conversation. She’s thankful that this place has VIP rooms and that her friends are smart enough to book it.

“You guys are the reason she left, are the reason she made the decision to do so. Because of what? Because she loves Clarke enough to let her go. I know for sure that she would love to be here but she can’t stand seeing the two of you and she can’t pretend that everything is okay when just few days before she left she had a gun on her head 24 floors up in a hotel, ready to end her life.” Her hands are gripping the edge of the table, her eyes never leaving Bellamy’s. 

“So no, you don’t get to say that. What she’s doing is the most selfless thing and what you said is the most fucked up thing because at the end of the day you got everything that she lost. You have a family, you have the love of her life as your fiancée and you get to stay. Yet, you are expecting her to be here because she’s supposed to be with her friends? Fuck you, Bellamy. If I could, I would beat the shit out of you right now. Fuck Clarke too for thinking that she deserves better because no, Lexa deserves better.” 

She breathes out, letting the tears rolling down her cheek. The room is now quiet except for the sound of the loud air conditioner. Bellamy looks down the plate, replaying all the words she said in his head. Octavia stares at her with her red eyes. Lincoln is doing the same, not believing that she’s actually let it all out and at the same time remembering the exact moment the three of them shared together before Lexa left. 

“Lexa tried to kill herself?” A voice calls. Raven closes her eyes, sitting back down. She hears the footsteps coming closer, stopping just behind her.

“Is—is that true?” She asks again, voice cracking. “Raven?” 

Raven nods. Clarke sits down next to her, her body is shaking. She slowly turns to look at the girl who still has her eyes closed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There’s no reason for me to tell you anything.” Clarke licks her lips, nodding. “And she won’t let me.” She adds.

“How—how do I know if she’s safe, Rav? She—she could be trying to do something—“ Raven shakes her head, cutting the girl’s words off.

“She’s okay. I make sure to call and text her at least once a day. And I have someone to look after her.” Clarke grips the table cloth, holding back her tears. The room is still in complete silence, and it stays that way for a minute or so.

“Raven?” The blonde opens her mouth again.

“Yes?” Raven answers, knowing what the girl is going to say.

“You know where she is.”

“Yeah.”

“You know where she is staying.”

“I do.”

“Raven?”

“Yes.”

“Will you tell me, please?”

Closing her eyes back, Raven nods. 

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a short one sorry but I hope it's enough. thank you for reading and do tell me what you think. I guess I now understand why you guys are not a fan of Clarke. hope you guys will have an amazing weekend :) 
> 
> also, the title is from a song called better with you by this wild life. definitely fits clarke and lexa's situation right now.


	15. if we could only turn back time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **thank a Sara because she kept bugging me to write. thank her for being my muse too.**

Lexa stares at the pond in front of her, circling her thumb over the rim of the cup. She closes her eyes, trying to stop thinking of the same thing over and over again. The loud sound of people yelling for help, in pain, missiles, people getting tortured. The pain she felt as she got shot and gripping her hand so hard, her stomach’s not the only part of her that was bleeding. Remembering how hard she held on Clarke’s picture as she fell to the ground thinking that it was going to end. 

“You’re okay, Alex. It’s over. You’re safe.” She feels a warm hand holding her own, and another hand caressing the back of her neck. 

“You’re okay. Open your eyes, look at me.” She shakes her head, “Please. Look at me, Alex.” 

She slowly opens her eyes, staring at the dark brown eyes that are accompanied by the natural moon light. She takes a deep breath with every strokes of the girl’s thumb on her hand. 

“Hi.” Lexa says, still staring at her eyes.

The other girl chuckles but keep her eyes on Lexa’s, smiling widely. She wipes the tears off and kisses her cheek. “You’re okay.” She whispers against her cheek.

Lexa nods, noticing that she is still holding Costia’s hand.

“Maybe it is over.”

“Hm?” 

“Clarke and I. Maybe that’s how it ends.”

Costia smiles softly and looks at the pond. 

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean life is over. You’re strong, Alex.” She looks back at Lexa, “You can go through this. You have so many people on your back. You need to know that although it is over, your relationship with her is still relevant. That wasn’t something unreal or something that she doesn’t care about. She is important to you, and she always will be but you have to keep going back trying to find where you go wrong because you didn’t.”

“Okay?” She adds and Lexa nods her head, letting the girl pull her in for a hug. 

“Tia?” She whispers, slowly pulling away. Costia’s eyes soften at the nickname, replying with a small smile.

“Did you wait?” 

Her smile is slowly fading, eyebrows meeting halfway. 

“You don’t have to answer I—I’m sorry.”

“I did. I thought you needed some time off everything. I mean… what happened to Gus, Lucille and Luna, it happened too fast so it made sense that you needed to get away. My parents told me to wait and I did. I thought you were in New York because you’ve always wanted to go to New York so I went there looking like a silly girl that I am.” She chuckles, “I never thought New York would be that big.”

“I’m sorry.” Lexa grabs her hand, “I’m so sorry.” 

Costia nods, smiling.

“And then my dad told me that you joined the Marine and that’s how I knew you’re not coming back.” 

“I was just so lost. I didn’t know how to continue with my life and joining the Marine… it’s a distraction because it was so hard but I’ve never stopped thinking of home.”

“Did you stop thinking of me when you met Clarke?” Her eyes are genuine, she’s not trying to be mean and Lexa’s heart broke at the sight. She clenches her jaw, looking down and Costia nods at the answer.

“I was supposed to drive them. You know he couldn’t see well at night.”

“It’s not your fault, Alex. It was never your fault that you decided not to go to see the game, you were tired. It’s not your fault, I promise.” 

“Why did you come back home?”

“I guess I want to do my part in school. We enjoyed Mr.Riley’s class too much that I wanted to be like him, to give back to our school. I want to help the kids, I want them to love History and know that it can be fun. Sometimes school is an escape and I want them to feel welcome and accepted.”

“You’re a great teacher, Costia. I’m sure they’re enjoying it, I mean you as the history teacher? Who would look away?” Costia blushes and grips Lexa’s hand harder.

“Do you think they’re watching?” 

“I know they are and I also know how proud they are to see how strong and brave you are. I’m sure they are watching down right now while dancing to heaven’s version of White Winter Hymnal.” 

Lexa laughs out loud remembering the night her family decided to listen to said song during Christmas Eve, singing along to the lyrics wrongly and proudly out loud not caring about the neighbors. Lexa shakes her head, trying to wipe the smile off her face. She looks back at Costia who is smiling widely to the sound of her laughter and she feels as if her heart is lighter and her world is brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do read your comments and i am considering so many stuffs but trust me on this yeah? hope yall will have an amazing day. will be very busy so i apologize in advance. thank you for staying, you guys are truly the best. also, Jasmine Tookes is my version of Costia. I'd do anything to date her.


	16. you stand still in place & time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so in love with a sara.

Lexa is watching a biography about teenage hackers who are millionaires and she might be thinking about learning how to code because well easy money. Noticing that her phone is blinking, she turns the volume down and reaches for the phone in front of her. Not paying attention to the caller ID, she accepts the call.

“Hello?” She greets.

“Lex, I need your help.” Lexa rolls her eyes and nods. 

“Are you nodding?” Lexa chuckles and nods again. “Okay, I need your help.”

“What do you need, Raven? I’m sorry to say that I don’t have a lot of money.” She replies, changing the channel. 

“Sorry to say I’m quite richer than you so don’t worry but I need you to pick me up at the airport today.”

“Why are you only telling me this now?” 

“Cause I wanted it to be a surprise but then I remember I don’t know where you live so.”

“Nicely planned, Raven.” She replies, looking down at her watch. 

“Thank you. See you in a few hours, commander!” Before Lexa gets to say anything, the girl on the other line hangs up. Lexa shakes her head but notices that she is smiling when she looks up at her reflection in the TV. God, she needs a new TV. 

She stands up and walks to the kitchen, making sure she has enough food to feed the girl. Knowing how much the girl eats, she needs to go grocery shopping. Or they could just eat out, which Lexa is very sure she doesn’t mind. She walks back to the living room, picks up her cell and makes a call.

“Emori?”

“Hey cuz, what’s up? You okay?”

“No— I mean yeah I’m okay but I need to borrow your car if that’s okay with you?”

“Where are you going? But yeah sure. It’s pretty fucked up though.” She pauses, “I’m sure you already know that.” She chuckles. 

“No worries, I just need to pick a friend up at the airport. Do you need to use it?”

“Nah, I’m alright. You don’t need to drop it back here though cause I’m going to my friend’s house near yours tomorrow so I’ll just pick it up.”

“Thanks, Em. I’ll see you later.”

* * *

After picking up the car, Lexa drives straight to the airport as Raven didn’t tell her when she’d arrived. Emori was not joking when she said her truck is fucked up because it stopped itself three times. She decided to send a text letting the girl know that she’s here and that’s about it. Noticing a book store, she drops by and checks out a few books.  


She is reading the back of a book called ‘Exit, Pursued by a Bear’ because Lexa definitely judges book by its cover, that and the lady who works at the store said it’s a modern adaption of The Winter’s Tale. 

She keeps her phone in her hand just in case of emergency, also because everyone in the store seems to have the same ringtone. A phone is ringing now and she looks around her because she doesn’t want to look stupid again for looking at her phone. No one is looking at their phone so it must be her phone that is ringing. She looks at the caller ID and picks up the call.

“You here?” 

“I’m sorry.”

“What? Where are you?”

“Lex—I’m very sorry.”

“What the hell are you saying? Where are you?” Putting the book back on the shelf she walks outside, looking around for her friend. “You just get out?” She asks again.

“It’s just—she was begging and I didn’t know what to do.” 

“I’m very confused, just tell me where you are. We can talk when we’re home.” 

“I’m sorry, Lexa.” 

“Raven, what is going on? Are you okay, are you hu—“ she stops at a blonde who is sitting in one of the chair, looking down her phone. Her heart stops beating for a second and she takes a deep breath.

“Lexa?”

“Fuck you.” She put the phone back in her pocket, still staring at the girl. _You could just run, she doesn’t know where you live. The main exit is right there and she won’t notice anything. You need a break from her. This is not good for you._

She sighs. 

She stops just few steps behind the girl, not knowing what to say. What do you say to a girl you’re very much still in love with who is engaged to one of your best friend who flew here for two hours, even though she hates flying, to meet you? 

Lexa notices the small bag in front of Clarke and grabs it. 

“Hey!” The girl looks up at her, the expression on her face changes immediately when she notices who it is. She blushes.

Lexa gives her a small smile. “Just this?” She asks and Clarke nods, not believing that Lexa is in front of her again. Lexa clears her throat and Clarke stands up, grabbing her handbags and macbook. 

In New York, Raven receives a text from Clarke with a picture of Lexa from behind, carrying Clarke’s bag.

**Clarke [11: 13 p.m]: Thank you, Raven. I promise I’ll fix this.**

Raven decided not to reply because she wanted to tell the truth and truth is; Clarke cannot fix anything because the only way Lexa can heal is for Clarke to stay away from her and because Raven is weak, both of her already very broken friends, one more than the other, will face another heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a lazy fuck, sorry. don't curse me too much, you can however curse at my professor.


	17. I'm losing hope and fading dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this is awkward.

Clarke watches as Lexa sets down her bag in the backseat. She watches as Lexa starts and drive the car without her eyes leaving the road, not even when Clarke asked her about her day. Lexa told her someone stole the car radio so they are stuck in complete silence. Lexa is gripping the wheel so hard that the veins on her hands are so visible, her mouth and cheeks are red from the cold weather. Never have Clarke wanted to give Lexa a hug more than she does now.

Lexa clears her throat and clenches her jaw. Clarke blushes, looking out the window.

“Are you hungry? I don’t think there’s anything back at home so if you are we can get some food right now. “

“Thanks but I don’t think I’m hungry. I’m just tired.”

“Okay.” 

Clarke closes her eyes, letting out a sigh. She again looks out the window, counting the houses and cars passing by just waiting for Lexa to finally stop the car as the silence between them is killing her. Lexa is driving slowly in a cozy looking neighborhood. Realizing that they’re stopping soon, Clarke unbuckles herself and sends her mom a text. 

“We’re here. Go ahead, I’ll carry your bag.” Clarke turns her head at Lexa who is already out of the car. She sighs, following Lexa to the front of the house. She notices that Lexa is struggling to open the door and stands beside her. 

“You need any help?” Lexa shakes her head and finally able to open the door. 

“It’s just old. I’ll fix it soon.” She says, carrying Clarke’s belongings upstairs. “Make yourself at home,” she stops halfway up the stairs. “I’ll get your room ready. I think there are some leftovers if you’re hungry.” Clarke nods and watches as Lexa disappears. She looks down the hallway and sees wall full of pictures. As she is walking towards the wall, the bell rings. She turns to the front door and gives a confused smile at the person standing in front of her with what seems like small tray of lasagna in hands. 

“Hey?” Clarke breaks the silence. The girl shakes her head, finally returning the smile Clarke gave her. 

“Hi! I’m so sorry I didn’t know Alex is having someone over—“ _‘Her accent is kinda thick. I wasn’t expecting that’_ was Clarke first thought when the girl opened her mouth. _It’s cute and my God, she’s gorgeous. This must have been Lexa’s neighbor._ “—is enough for two though!” 

“Oh don’t worry about that, I’m not hungry. I’m Clarke.” The smile on taller girl’s face disappears for few seconds before nodding her head, opening her mouth to reply only to be stopped by the sound of footsteps. 

“Tia? Fuck.” Lexa mutters the last word, stopping few feet behind Clarke. 

“I made lasagna and you know pop’s not really a fan of it so I thought I’d bring some for you.” The girl replies, looking back and forth between Lexa and Clarke. “I didn’t know you had a guest but I think it’s enough for you both to share.” She adds with a wide smile. 

Lexa moves to give Costia a room walk in. 

“It’s okay. Clarke looks tired, I should leave you two.” She hands the tray to Clarke, “Enjoy the food and have a nice night. Nice meeting you, Clarke.” 

“Wait—“ Clarke speaks out, causing the girl to turn her body back around. “I didn’t get your name.” She smiles. The girl glances at Lexa for few seconds asking for her approval before smiling back at Clarke.

“It’s Costia. Get a good night sleep, Clarke.” She replies and walks away. 

And in cue, Lexa stands in front of her, holding the tray of food as if she knew Clarke was going to drop it. For the first time today she’s truly looking at Clarke, both her eyebrows meeting in the middle. 

_Explain, Lex. Please._

“I—“ Lexa closes back her mouth, looking back down at the food.

“I—I think I’m gonna take shower and then go to bed. Jetlag.” She walks up the stairs leaving Lexa at the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. And I'm sorry it's short. Thank you for waiting. It was my final semester in uni and man, fuck that bullshit glad i]m done with school for a bit. And i had to write a book for my final project and i procrastinated too long and i needed to focus on that. But hi. also thank you Sara, for always asking me to update this and for always encouraging me to do the things I love (which is mostly her).


	18. flicker a light wherever i might find you

Lexa feels her knees weaken and slowly sets down the lasagna on floor, her left hand on the wall holding herself from falling. Her whole body is shaking and her eyes are blurry. She looks up at the stairs, seeing Clarke’s expression over and over again. She can hear the sound of Clarke’s voice cracking being replayed in her head. 

“Breathe.” She whispers to herself, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “Br—eathe.” She repeats her action again. “You’re okay.” She opens her eyes and slowly stands up. 

“I’m okay.” She says, walking up the stairs. Lexa stops in front of the guest room, raising her hand to knock on the door only to overhear Clarke talking to someone. 

“She’s here. That’s why she left.” Of course eavesdropping is wrong, Lexa is aware but she couldn’t help it.

“Co—Costia. She’s here.” She hears Clarke chuckles, “I’m such an idiot, Raven. Of course she has a reason to stay. Costia is her reason.” She whispers the last part and for once Lexa is thankful for the thin wall. 

“I’m so pathetic.” She adds few seconds later and Lexa decides that that’s enough. She walks down the stairs, put the lasagna in the fridge and lay down on the couch. Knowing she will never fall asleep tonight she focuses on the sound of the clock ticking. 

* * *

Clarke slowly walks down the stairs, not wanting to wake Lexa up knowing that she did not sleep in her room last night. Clarke waited all night for her footsteps until she fell asleep. She cursed herself for being tired over hours of sitting on airplane. Despite having no idea what to talk to the girl about, she needed to talk to her. Lexa is not on the couch or the kitchen, the thought of Lexa spending the night at Costia crossed her mind but Lexa would never leave Clarke all alone. Or perhaps that is what Clarke is hoping for. 

She walks towards the living room setting her eyes on the few pictures on top of the fireplace. The largest picture is of Lexa’s parents at their wedding. Her dad was wearing oversized jacket with white shirt, gray bowtie and leather pants, her mom was wearing what seemed like a normal 80s wedding dress with puffy sleeves but was cut off around her calves, definitely by hands. Clarke finds herself smiling at the picture, making up stories in her head. Did Lexa parents forget to buy their wedding dress and suit so now they had to borrow from other people? Or maybe they—

“They got married in summer.” Clarke jumps. She slowly turns her head around meeting Lexa’s eyes. She waits for Lexa to continue, eager to know what actually happened.  
“My parents were kind of non-traditional. My dad, he refused to wear a traditional suit because he wanted to keep his rocker image. Obviously with the pants and hair.” Clarke looks back to the picture, giggling at his Billy Idol’s hair. 

“But my grandparents refused to let him wear leather jacket at his wedding so he decided to go with those. It was a hot day and my mom was smart enough to cut her wedding dress because she can’t take the heat. My dad can’t do much seeing that it’s extremely hard to get out of leather pants with sweaty legs.” Lexa stares at the picture, smiling softly. The actual story is actually better than anything she could come up with. 

“I’ve always thought they were the strict kind of people.” Clarke finally replies. “With him being a Marine and all.” She adds.

Lexa shakes her head, “He worked at a car workshop before he joined the Marine but then when my mom was pregnant, he decided to quit playing around and joined the Marine. My mom also got a job as a preschool teacher.” Clarke stares at Lexa’s glassy eyes and nods her head.

“They sound wonderful.” She manages to say. Lexa turns to Clarke and nods her head.

“Are you hungry?” She asks. “I went for a run, I’ll take a shower and then we can get some breakfast, okay?” Not waiting for an answer, Lexa walks out of the living room to take go upstairs. 

* * *

They’re walking around town, Clarke’s idea, seeing that she is not used to such peaceful environment. Well that and she wants to spend more time with Lexa. They’re walking past many shops, Clarke notices few antiques and wondered if this was the town from Ghost Whisperer. Maybe that was a set? Well maybe it’s not. Why is she thinking about this? She chuckles at the thought, causing Lexa to stop walking.

“Is everything alright?” Lexa asks, smiling and raising one eyebrow. Clarke smiles back, wrapping her arm around Lexa’s. 

“Yeah, I’m just hungry I think.” She replies, continues to walk. Lexa stares at their arms wanting to say something but not having the heart to. 

“It’s right there. Come on, it’s going to be crowded. They don’t have many seats.” 

“That’s okay. I think I’d like to see more of this town, to see where you go to school and such. If that’s okay with you?” Clarke looks up at Lexa. She can see that the other girl is thinking about what to say but she didn’t say anything because they’ve arrived at the coffee shop. Clarke is not really religious but she’s thanking God right now because the shop is filled with people. 

She is now standing outside the shop because she hates crowded places. Lexa used to tell her it’s weird that she’s not a fan of crowded places when she’s working at a hospital which is pretty much always crowded. She doesn’t get a lot of moment like this where she could breathe easily, no one yelling at her telling her what and what not to do, no assholes honking their cars because someone took more than two seconds after a red light. It’s nice; she can see why Lexa chose to come back here again. She would do the same too.

“Hey.” Lexa greets her, handing her the cup of coffee. “I got us some bagels.” 

“This is a really good coffee.” Clarke says, after taking a few sips. “Where to next?” 

“You said you want to see where I go to school? It’s just around here. I always woke up early to get coffee from this café. My sister teased me a lot about it. She said that I spent half of my allowance buying coffee.”

“Did you?” Clarke asks, linking their arms again. This time Lexa doesn’t seem to mind. 

“Probably yeah,” Lexa chuckles. Clarke looks at her again. She feels more at home here than her actual home. Seeing Lexa like this, giggling and smiling makes her happy. This is almost like her Lexa; the Lexa she lost when she broke her heart is no longer around. 

She knows it is probably selfish for her to want that after what happened, after what she did but she doesn’t think it’s selfish for trying to work this out, for wanting them to be okay again. She knows it’ll take a long time but she is willing to wait. She waited years even after they declared her death, she can wait more now that she is actually here. 

“Wait here, let me see if we can get in.” Lexa walks towards a man, leaving Clarke behind. From the look of the man’s face, he definitely knows her. He must’ve been around Abbie’s age. Maybe older. Lexa calls her over and introduces Clarke to him. 

His name is Henry, a friend of Lexa’s dad. Someone very close to the family, so close he calls her little cheetah, the nickname Gustus gave her because she was a sprinter and broke the school records multiple times. The people around here must really love their family. 

“It sure has been a while since I’ve seen her face. You look more and more like your dad.” They’re both giving each other a small smile, “Now go in you two, I have work to do.”  
Clarke let Lexa walks in front of her, afraid of asking too many personal questions. 

“He’s the one with the car workshop, one of my dad’s best friends.” Lexa answers her silent question. “My locker is right there, the one with the messed up lock. I’m surprised they haven’t changed that. Poor kid.” She keeps on walking. Instead of Clarke looking around, Lexa’s the one looking around as if this place was foreign to her. Clarke hasn’t really taken her eyes off Lexa. 

They’re stopping in front of a trophy cabinet; one big cabinet, pretty much filled with pictures and trophies. You would think with such great achievements the school would invest in another cabinet. In her school, they have a special room for trophies and pictures but then again, she went to a private school. 

Lexa’s eyes are wandering everywhere. She’s looking for something. Clarke found what Lexa’s looking for at first glance. She pulls Lexa closer to her and points at the picture of Lexa holding her medal in one hand, a trophy in her other hand. The same trophy above the picture. 

“I didn’t know you were a serious athlete.” Lexa told her once that she was a sprinter in school but never really talked about it. She brushed it off as if it was nothing so Clarke chose not to question it. 

She shrugs. “I thought it’s good for college and stuffs. Scholarship and what not.” 

Clarke also notices Costia wearing a lab coat and safety goggles, holding a trophy with two other girls, in one of the many pictures. 

“She’s a top student. She loves history but is pretty much good with all the subjects. She was actually Luna’s tutor for math and history. Luna bribed her lot to let her watch movies when she came over or to let her go play soccer. Or not to come at all.” She chuckles, staring at the picture of Costia. 

Clarke can feel her heart aching more and more. Not just because Lexa is talking about Costia, who was such an important person in her life once, but also because of how much she didn’t know about Lexa. How much she didn’t know about her family, her pasts and the people who were so important to her. For years, they’re all just names to Clarke. How the Lexa she fell in love with was probably a different person with these people. 

“She helped me with school a lot too. We met through Luna who was so glad that she finally got to go to soccer practice. She claimed that she’s a cupid.”

Clarke stops looking at the picture to look up at Lexa, praying that she’ll look at her too. Again, God is answering her prayer because Lexa is now looking at her.  
“She’s everything you’ve ever wanted. You must have loved her a lot.” 

Lexa looks confused for few seconds, looking at the pictures. “She was my past,” She says. 

She turns her head back to look at Clarke, “You were my present and future.”

“Were.” Clarke meant it as question; it came out as a statement instead.

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just walks towards the main entrance not waiting for Clarke to follow her. Clarke is glad that she has finished the coffee because like her heart, she would have burned her hand too by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's currently 4:46 am and i don't know what i'm doing but hey, and i'm sorry. i think i'll edit the mistakes tomorrow, but knowing me, i doubt it. you are very much welcome to yell at me [ here ](https://twitter.com/farraregui)
> 
> the title is from canyon city called flicker. happy august, guys.


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